Marley was dead, to begin with…

Marley was dead, to begin with…

The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

     We start your 25 day journey with a movie SO good that it’s not only one of the best muppet movies but it’s also kind of the best telling of Dickens’ classic tale using Gonzo and Rizzo The Rat as bickering narrators in a brilliant framing device, a KILLER opening tune with a couple more in the chamber and not to mention Michael Caine having what seems to be the greatest time of his life acting his ASS off in scenes across a bunch of FUCKING PUPPETS! What are you even still doing here, go watch The Muppet Christmas Carol or I can’t help you.

 

     Now if you wanna plan ahead for the next 24 days of Christmas movies/specials then click the banner below to see the full 25 days of programming with trailer and purchase links and if you want daily reminders of for the 25 days you can click subscribe to get the RSS feed informastion or follow us on all your social media @VictorMoranLive. Enjoy The Muppet Christmas Carol lunatics!

 

 

 

…AND WE’RE BAAAAAAAAAACK!!!

…AND WE’RE BAAAAAAAAAACK!!!

   Well, it’s that time of year again and I still have a website up and running and NO ONE CAN STOP ME, so you know what that means! Yes, it’s time to let a lovable atheist in search of weed and the true meaning of Christmas program your holiday viewing. What, it worked last year didn’t it? DIDN’T IT?!?

   So for all the new kids, I’ll explain what’s gonna happen next. I don’t do this because I doubt your intelligence but because the internet is a big and scary place and I don’t want you worrying that you’ll be suddenly flooded by a hoard of dicks on your screen. That is NOT what’s gonna happen here… not again. But what IS going to follow is a list of 25 Christmas classics in the order and days that you should watch them to have the merriest of Christmases.

   Now for the good boys and girls coming back for a second year, you may see some returning favorites but there’s plenty of curve balls keeping it fresh for year two SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADIEU get your fireplace screensavers streaming and your Christmas latte spiced cuz VictorMoranLive is programming the next 25 days of your life.


The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

We start your 25 day journey with a movie SO good that it’s not only one of the best muppet movies but it’s also kind of the best telling of Dickens’ classic tale using Gonzo and Rizzo The Rat as bickering narrators in a brilliant framing device, a KILLER opening tune with a couple more in the chamber and not to mention Michael Caine having what seems to be the greatest time of his life acting his ASS off in scenes across a bunch of FUCKING PUPPETS! What are you even still doing here, go watch The Muppet Christmas Carol or I can’t help you.

 


Santa Claus Is Comin’ To Town (1970)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

Looks like last year’s opening got bumped to day 2 but that doesn’t mean this classic stop-go animation Santa Claus origin story is inferior by any means. Look is it bat shit crazy as far as mythology goes, sure. Is there a weird pedophile vibe in one of the songs (you’ll know it when you see/hear it) but damn it’s full of heart and there really is nothing like watching the jittery movements in the animation to get you feeling like a child on christmas break, mainlining candy canes and tree shape sugar cookies from your neighbor’s house.

 


It’s A Wonderful Life (1946)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

Yes bumped down one day as well is the mother of all required Christmas watching. What can i say about It’s a Wonderful Life that hasn’t been said before. It’s poetic, it’s sappy and it was actually a gigantic fucking BOMB when it came out. No shit, It’s a Wonderful Life was a box office stinker but through the years and it’s constant Christmas airtime this movie caught a second wind and is now seen as a Christmas classic that also happens to be about a guy that wants to kill himself and it’s actually really good.You try achieving ANY of that, let alone all at once.

 


The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

Well here it is. The movie that I got the most shit for NOT including in last years programing. Let’s just do it. It’s Tim Burton’s Nightmare Before Christmas! That stop-go animated movie that you actually enjoyed but was milked for EVERY cent it was worth by Hot Topic and the Disney corporation to the point that you just got sick of it. Also Tim Burton didn’t actually direct it but his name was on it for some reason BUT the animation is gorgeous and the soundtrack is something special. Leave it to Danny Elfman to find a way to make Christmas sound creepy. I still gotta recommend it.

 


Die Hard (1988)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

Now I heard what happened at Comic Con and I know what Bruce Willis said. But I also know what’s in my heart and in my heart I know that Die Hard is fucking Christmas movie. So sit back and watch John McClane save Christmas from professor Snape, a poster boy for the Aryan race, a dime store Urkle and Huey Lewis’ stunt double the only way he knows how… WITH BULLETS! Seriously if this doesn’t scream Christmas to you, you’re just not living your best life.

 


Look Who’s Talking Now (1993)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

So remember when John Travolta and Kirstie Alley thought it would be a great idea to come back for a THIRD Look Who’s Talking movie? Remember it was a Christmas movie? Yes come witness the conclusion of the Look Who’s Talking Trilogy where Mikey & Julie are old enough to ACTUALLY talk and yet the movie still exists. Watch as studio executives clunkily shoehorn Christmas into a dying franchise. “But VictorMoranLive, who IS talking now?” Why it’s the family’s TWO new dogs voiced by Danny DeVito and Diane Keaton. Sure it’s like a desperate attempt to stay relevant as it slowly dies… but it’s also a Christmas movie. Enjoy.

 


Ernest Saves Christmas (1988)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

Day 7 is the perfect time for the kind of movie you can show a child that would make them say, “You actually watched this growing up?” and no movie can get that level of judgment like the one and only Ernest Saves Christmas. Nothing says Christmas like a sequel to a movie based on a character from a commercial. OH and it’s Christmas. Imagine if Flow from the Progressive commercials suddenly had a SECOND movie with nearly no budget coming out where she saved christmas and for some reason plays multiple characters. It’s so bad you’ll wonder what the hell they were thinking the whole way through and you’ll laugh the sweetest laughs of all… the laughs of Christmas schmaltz.

 


Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

Well, you’re 8 days into the Christmas season which means that you’re about ready to watch a man dressed up as Santa Claus straight up MURDERING people. “Did you say murdering people?” You’re goddamn right I said murdering people because in this classic of the heyday of the slasher era gives you all the visions of blood, guts, excessive violence and nudity that every wholesome child has dancing in their heads. I know it seems strong but after 8 days of holiday shopping it’s the perfect flick to help you blow off some steam. You’ll thank me later.

 


Home Alone (1990)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

Back for a second year on the list, it’s Home Alone and why? Cuz it’s Home Alone, ok? Cuz Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern being brutally injured by the child equivalent of Rambo. Cuz John Heard and Catherine O’Hara are in this movie for some reason. Cuz John Candy as Gus Polinski, the Polka King of the Midwest, is possibly one of the most earnestly funny characters ever in cinema and he’s in two fucking scenes of the movie. Why am I still trying to convince you to watch Home Alone?!? Just GO watch Home Alone.

 


Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

Also back for seconds is Rudolph. That story we know and love, done in the stop-go animation of Rankin/Bass. It’s crazy to think that this 1964 TV special is only 47 minutes long and has somehow managed to stay in the pantheon of Christmas regulars for multiple generations and it keeps going. Maybe it’s the animation, maybe it’s just the time of year but the Christmas season just isn’t complete until I see this genetically mutated reindeer guide Santa’s slay. Just sentimental I guess.

 


S01E10 – Mr. Hankey The Christmas Poo (1997)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

Starting off the next round of 10 is that South Park classic that introduced the world to Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo. Full of great songs and the relatable story of a boy that just wants to understand the holidays. Honestly there are few things that can bring a family together like this special. Everyone can laugh at it. I mean, it’s a singing turd with a Christmas hat on. It’s damn near universal that this is just funny… It’s Christmas.

 


Rise of The Guardians (2012)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

Popping it’s 25 day cherry at day 12 is a movie so looney in it’s internal lore that it could only come from the mind of Guillermo Del Toro. Watch as Jack Frost gets an origin story so fucking epic that it’s not even fair that this is a kids movie. Marvel at the “childhood lies” branch of the Avengers attempts to recruit him by showing off the expansive worlds of The Sandman, Tooth Fairy, an australian Easter Bunny for some reason and Alec Baldwin as a Russian Santa with ‘Naughty’ and ‘Nice’ tattooed on his forearm, I’m not making any of this shit up, you HAVE to watch this movie.

 


All I Want For Christmas (1991)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

Back again, it’s The Christmas Parent Trap? Yeah… yeah it is. But hey, Leslie Nielsen as SANTA, a couple of adorable kids, horrible 90’s fashion and Kevin Nealon playing a Baxter in a Rom-Com disguising as a Christmas movie? So get your hairspray and Kmart jeans ready for the gift of love cuz this crappy Christmas classic is proving to be a favorite amongst any who remember seeing it. Now join the club and watch it! You’ll thank me next year.

 


Santa Claus The Movie (1985)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

This movie may NEVER come off this programming schedule and rightfully so. This pre-CGI epic AND I MEAN EPIC, is loaded to the brim with off the wall mythology and lore that by the way, I’ve never seen before OR AFTER this movie. Mr. and Mrs. Claus freezing to death in the snow, magical elder Elves that grant immortality, it’s got it all. Worst part about this movie is that no one knows about it and when you watch it, it looks good. All the effects work is well done, the sets are huge, money was clearly spent in the making of this movie.So I say do yourself a favor and watch this hidden gem. If only to see John Lithgow sell magic candy to kids that make them fly.

 


How The Grinch Stole Christmas (1966)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

Back again on day 15 is this Dr. Seuss classic that has now sprung TWO feature film adaptations that have yet to stand the test of time like this one. So accept no substitutes and watch Cindy Lou and the rest of the citizens of Whoville get their beloved Christmas stolen by the Grinch. Sure he gets to save the day at the end but there is something enjoyable about watching all the inventive ways he finds to steal the gifts. Magnets on the stockings is a favorite of mine. Go watch it and have some hot cocoa while you’re at it.

 


A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

So you’re 16 days into the Christmas season, you’ve been shopping, you’ve been gift wrapping and you find yourself feeling a little empty about the whole thing. Well do I have a Christmas movie for you! It’s a Charlie Brown Christmas! Watch Charlie Brown, a bald boy in an existential state of ennui that just doesn’t seem to understand Christmas. Prepare to feel as you watch this depressed child’s cries for help go ignored by friends, family and even his own dog as they continue to express how they all find him tedious and annoying. It may not be the Christmas movie we want but it for damn sure is the one we can all relate to.

 


A Very Murray Christmas (2015)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

Back with a bullet on day 17 is that possibly new Christmas standard full of music, celebrity cameos, BILL FUCKING MURRAY and beautiful shots of people staring into the middle distance in a contemplative manor. For Christ sakes Sofia Coppola directed this fucking thing, look, I don’t need to know how this bizarre Netflix Christmas special came to be, I just need to enjoy it. I suggest you do the same and as always, look out for “Santa Claus Wants Some Loving” featuring George Clooney. It’s a personal favorite and further proof of its own weirdness.

 


The Night Before (2015)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

Alright, I have to admit that I was actually late to the party on this movie. I didn’t actually see it till a year ago and it surprised the shit out of me. Not only is it full of drugs and cursing and drinking and dick jokes but it kinda has a heart to it and is one of the best uses of Michael Shannon in a comedy since Groundhog Day. It was everything I thought it was gonna be but in a GOOD way. Oddly enough all the reasons why I thought I wanted to skip this movie ended up being the stuff that made me love it. So send the kids to bed early and watch this rated R Christmas story.

 


Santa Claus Conquers The Martians (1964)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

Sure you watched Seth Rogen do drugs in The Night Before but on day 19 your best bet is to chow down some edibles and hit that vape cuz you’re blasting off into space with this sci-fi Christmas Schlock fest that’s plot involves a Martian elder called Chochum The Ancient One telling his people that they must kidnap Santa Claus to save their children that no longer have a childhood due to Mars’ technological advances in child care. Did you just read that sentence? That’s actually how insane this movie is and that insanity just feels like my kind of Christmas.

 


Jingle All The Way (1996)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

Hey, remember when Arnold Schwarzenegger was a bankable family comedy leading man and Sinbad was still riding off that Different World good will? Remember when you didn’t hate Jake Lloyd and it wasn’t problematic to have a scene where a large man punched a little person causing that little person to fly back in the air 10 ft? Then watch as a father searches for a Turbo-Man action figure on Christmas eve for his son. Laugh as hijinks ensues and Arnold befriends Sinbad but first they kinda fight and stuff and Phil Hartman is great in it. WATCH IT!

 


Gremlins (1984)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

Alright, time for my favorite Christmas movie of ALL TIME. Look, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Christmas is not Christmas for me until I see a Gremlin come out of tree, attack a woman and inevitably get liquefied in a FUCKING BLENDER. If that isn’t what Christmas means for YOU then I don’t know what to tell you. Actually, I do know what to tell you and that is that I feel SORRY for you. The pain that you must have in your heart this time of year… it must be unbearable. Now put on your big kid pants and go watch Gremlins.

 


Scrooged (1988)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

I know what you guys are thinking, “Didn’t we start this whole thing with a retelling of A Christmas Carol?”.Yes, we did, See this is what is commonly known as double dipping. I don’t know what to tell you, this movie is just so great. Maybe next year it won’t be on the programming lineup but this year do yourself the favor of watching Bill Murray at the height of his powers, playing the 80’s yuppie scumbag version of Scrooge cuz it looks great, the effects are still fun and it’s FUNNY. This close to the big day you’re gonna need a laugh. So have one on Bill.

 


National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

This late in the season must have you stressed out with family and Chevy Chase can relate. (Side Note: the phrase Chevy Chase can relate has never been used before) Be it family, neighbors, the elderly OR animals, Clark Griswold does his best to remain a sane human being in the midst of holiday chaos and stress about a certain Christmas bonus he’s been coveting. Plus that moment when Julia Louis Dreyfus asks “Todd” why the carpet is wet and he goes, “I don’t know Margo.” makes me laugh EVERY fucking time. I can’t help it.

 


The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

Ok, we’ve been here before, it’s Christmas Eve, you’ve been getting high in spurts through the day and you just wanna watch something that’s gonna, I don’t know, BLOW YOUR MIND! Well look no further than The Star Wars Holiday Special. Watch as Chewbacca’s family go about an average day speaking Shyriiwook to each other with no subtitles for TWENTY MINUTES before getting to a human speaking english. Marvel at Jefferson Starship, Boba Fett’s first appearance and elderly Wookie porn. Cringe at alien cooking shows, Carrie Fisher looking higher than a giraffe’s ass and a cantina barkeep musical number that’ll make you long for the 20 minute subtitleless Wookispeak. It’s amazing. Watch it NOW.

 


A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift Of All (2008)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

Now, I know that this was the Christmas day movie last year and if I’m being honest, it’s probably gonna be it next year too because in MY house it has just become tradition to watch A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift of All. Willie Nelson taking his weed back from the baby Jesus, Toby Keith fights a war on Christmas and John Legend is in DESPERATE need of nutmeg. Not to mention Elvis Costello, Feist, John Stewart, a murderous bear, and George Wendt as Santa Claus himself. So do yourself a favor and give yourself the greatest gift of all and that’s in the title so you know it true.

 

 


 

    Well that’s it. 25 days of Christmas programming. So what did you think? Do you like last year’s schedule better? Have you seen last year’s? Click right here to get it and if you have any suggestions for next year or just like what we’re doing and wanna say, ‘hey’ you can find me on all social media @VictorMoranLive so feel free to follow or subscribe. Look forward to hearing from you about all these movies. Enjoy!

HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!

 

#TheEndOfTheMovie: Analytics

#TheEndOfTheMovie: Analytics

Ok let’s see, what to write that will get the attention of people and get shares and likes and drive traffic to my site? I could talk about being a father. Nah, that doesn’t get as much traction as one would like. I’d have to change father to parent. Fuck I wish I was a woman. Slap the word mother on shit and suddenly everyone gives a fuck what you have to say but that’s not an option unless I was Trans and if I was trans, OH BOY. Could you imagine the amount of traffic? A father turned mother, wait Orange Is The New Black did that shit YEARS ago. It’s probably old now besides I’m not Trans so that would be a major poser thing to do. Ok, so what can I use to drive in the audience? How can I exploit myself to improve my analytics? Ok, we’re brown. High yellow but brown enough to be chucked in the back of a truck in Mississippi. That’s not enough though. My parents are Cuban so in the eyes of most that would make me Cuban though I’ve spent my life being told I’m not Cuban enough by Cubans while simultaneously being told by Americans that I’m too Cuban to be American. So we can’t really use the LatinX thing. Oddly enough the people that have been most compassionate to my “#struggle” is African-Americans and I’m pretty sure it’s cuz they know that at a KKK cross burning we’d be kindle together quick as fuuuuuuuuuuuck and there is nothing that brings people together like knowing you’d both be lynched by the same people. #Respect. But back to the matter at hand, what can I #exploit about myself that is marketable? Let’s see, I already said I’m brown. I’m heterosexual, which let’s face it is NO help these days. Being a straight male is like buying a one way ticket to who gives a fuck what you have to say town.

This is kind of fucked up but it’s a true story so fuck it, I’ll tell it. So when I was in pre-production for the last movie I was trying to make, I met up with this guy who was helping the Coral Gables Art Cinema find local film projects, both short and feature length, for them to give like grants to or whatever. Anyway, the guy read the script and we sat down and had a meeting with him and he kept giving us all these dodgy answers as to why he thought the board he worked for that made the final decisions wouldn’t go for our movie. He kept being very vague and dancing around the subject until he finally said, “Look, honestly? If you were a gay man or a woman they would be all over this but you’re just a straight Cuban man IN MIAMI where there are LOADS of Cubans and you don’t even lean into being Cuban in the script.” Crazy, right? Not, “the script wasn’t solid” or “your production plans look iffy.” Forget that, the production would have had multiple races in front AND behind the camera. None of that mattered and so that brings us back to here. What to exploit. Hrmm. Well, there’s the fat thing but that doesn’t help because you can only be a fat woman on the internet. You know cuz it’s sexualized. No one is fantasizing about a fat man but SOMEONE is masturbating to a picture of a fat woman RIGHT now. No the only time anyone pays attention to a fat man is if he’s dancing, falling or chronicling every step on the journey” to being a not fat guy and that’s just gross. ALL OF THIS is gross actually.

Look, maybe it’s my age talking (which is also a fully exploitable thing: See Dabbing Granny) but I always believed that all that mattered was the quality of your work because, shouldn’t it be? Why do I have to know “what’s your race”, “who you fuck, how you fuck, where you piss, who you praise”, “how you vote”,”what you watch”, “when you eat and how you live” just so I can enjoy your work? Just do good work and none of that other shit matters. You rise above. But that’s what I BELIEVE. The reality is what matters now is having a niche and oddly enough my straight, high yellow, fat, atheist, Hispanic ass is not enough niche to move the needle. In all fairness to the way things work, it doesn’t help that I refuse to lean into any of these things, cuz, ew. The good news is that when I wither away into obscurity, a death I very much I look forward to, I will wither away with the pride of knowing that I never exploited myself for the sake of commerce.

OH WAIT, mental illness! I’m mentally ill, that’s a niche, right? #MentalIllness. Guys, I’ve tried to commit suicide SO MANY times, you have no idea. Seriously, majority of my classes were in portables. I fantasize about killing everyone in line at the market JUST because. Do mentally ill people buy things? I mean, yeah, I buy things and I’m HORRIBLY bipolar. I FOUND MY NICHE GUYS! FUCK ALL THAT PRIDE SHIT I WAS TALKING BEFORE! I CAN FINALLY EXPLOIT MYSELF NOW! WE’RE GONNA BE RICH!!!

 

written by Victor Moran

edited by Danielle Ruiz

2017’s #GreatestBandNamesEver OVER!

2017’s #GreatestBandNamesEver OVER!

Happy New Year everybody! Well it’s now officially 2018 which means that 2017’s #GreatestBandNamesEver contest is over and I know you’ve been waiting for the results. Once again, good job everybody. Now let’s get to it.

RESULTS:

(example: Ranking – Tweeter – Band Name – Favorites)

  1. @explicitlyrical – Foreskin Reclamation Front – 7

– Muffin Buffet – 7

– Busy Chewnola & the Mini Jumbones – 7

– That Pink Protuberance – 7

– Kitschy Tchotchkes – 7

 

@MilesMoranTalks – Okeechobee-Wan Kenobi – 7

 

 

  1. @MilesMoranTalks – The Bad Idea Bonanza – 6

– Butt Trumpet – 6

 

@VictorMoranLive – Putin On The Ritz – 6

– The Actively Tired – 6

– Junkyard Bitch – 6

– Conversations With Your Ex Wife – 6

 

@explicitlyrical – The Naked Twister Incident of ’06 – 6

– Jagged Toenail – 6

 

@OldGusMoran – Snoke & The Mindbenders – 6

 

 

  1. @VictorMoranLive – Shit Show Shenanigans – 5

– Cuntjunctivitis – 5

– Accidental Face – 5

– Speculative Spectacles – 5

– Baby Krakatoa – 5

 

@explicitlyrical – Shitty Graffiti – 5

– Gelato Farts – 5

 

@MilesMoranTalks – Jar Jar and The Jar of Jars – 5

– The Toadstool Trio – 5

 

 

  1. @VictorMoranLive – Mutterfugger – 4

– Modern Whorefare – 4

– Hufflepuff Incorporated – 4

– Fishnet Floozy – 4

– Sunset Dickdown – 4

– Box of Knives – 4

– A Plethora of Pinatas – 4

– Munchhausen ‘n Cheese – 4

– Booger Brigade – 4

– Endorian Skies – 4

– Caribbean Jackrabbit – 4

– Crossbow Penpals – 4

– Antisocialbiotic – 4

– Premium Quaid – 4

 

@SammySweety726 – Driving Caffeine – 4

– Groot’s Boombox – 4

 

@explicitlyrical – T.M.D.T. – Too Many Dabs Today – 4

– Potato Famine – 4

– Disaster debris haulers – 4

– Shatner’s Chicanery – 4

 

@Acidsparkle420 – AKA Skeez McQueen – 4

– Alligator Death Roll – 4

 

@OldGusMoran – Hurricanes Suck & The Tongue Twisters – 4

– Kyloren & The Epic 8 Renbeats – 4

– Victor and the bundt cake – 4

– Grut & The Rootbenders – 4

– WaWa & The Wazoo – 4

– Groucho & The Conspiering Moran’s – 4

 

@MyXXFLY – Storm Surge – 4

– Catastrophic Khaki Crappers – 4

– Tiny Fruit Conspiracy – 4

 

@JustinAzpiazu – Bukowski’s scrote – 4

 

 

  1. @VictorMoranLive – Fucked For Sure – 3

– Fisting Winston – 3

– Canada Drugs – 3

– The Benchmark Suicides – 3

– Accurate As Fuck – 3

– Schindler’s Fist – 3

– Radioactive Zombie – 3

– Soul Snore – 3

– Definitelt – 3

– Chocolate Tears – 3

– Schrodinger’s Cunt – 3

 

@GrouchO_cfc_ – The Guttenbergers – 3

– John Hickey & The Crew – 3

– Reactor 6 – 3

 

@OldGusMoran – Aunt Bee & the Mayberries – 3

– Darth Vader & The Rebellion – 3

– Wilkie& The Handjives – 3

– Peter Penis & The Spiders – 3

– Reylo & The First Orders – 3

– OldGusMoran & the dingolings – 3

– EJV and the Westchester Nerds – 3

– Chico y los perros de Caza – 3

– Una Garulla & The Quail Twins – 3

– Like cloaks The Firs Order – 3

– Miles & The Mio Mio – 3

– ChiChiHuaHuas – 3

– Arby’s we have The Teats – 3

 

@Acidsparkle420 – A Mortgage For Earl – 3

– Hoes Begat Hoes – 3

 

@explicitlyrical – Loose and Languid – 3

– The Mentally Deranged Dotards – 3

– Fibonacci Sequins – 3

– Talib Kweli and the Diabolic Nazis – 3

 

@MilesMoranTalks – The Potty Professionals – 3

 

@JustinAzpiazu – Toxic Taco – 3

– Wicked Thoughts – 3

– Cadillac farts and whisky nachos – 3

– The Cigarettes – 3

 

 

  1. @explicitlyrical – Fuck Yeah, Corn!!! – 2

– Unreasonable Dumbass – 2

– Protestant Protest Ants – 2

 

@JustinAzpiazu – Bad Hombres – 2

 

@MyXXFLY – Quandarius Cooch – 2

– Uncanny Valley Face – 2

 

@dr_octo_stress – Mother Theresa of Kink – 2

 

@Faulty_TARDIS – Initial Birth – 2

 

@SammySweety726 – The Sniffle Coughs – 2

 

@MilesMoranTalks – Poop of the Night – 2

– SpongeBob & The Patty Pals – 2

 

@VictorMoranLive – Kelly’s Roast Beed – 2

– Breaking Plaid – 2

– Torrential Downpour – 2

– The Feeder Band Band – 2

– Fountains of Wang – 2

– Bullied By Babies – 2

 

@Acidsparkle420 – Death Is A Black Woman – 2

– Canvas Of Destruction – 2

 

@GrouchO_cfc_ – Witch Bitch – 2

– Bloody Fools – 2

 

@OldGusMoran – Kyrie & The Dairrheas – 2

– Zazapu & The Zebras – 2

– Heartthrob & The Lady Killers – 2

– Mud Slide Slim & The Blue Horizons – 2

– HootyTootyFruityORudy – 2

– Tardis & The Late Bloomers – 2

 

 

  1. @VictorMoranLive – My Dental Progress – 1

– Sickly Saber – 1

– Core Compression – 1

 

@Acidsparkle420 – Shrimp Wig – 1

 

 

  1. @VictorMoranLive – Ivanka Be In Pictures – 0

– Zombie Rapist – 0

 

 

Congratulations to @explicitlyrical & @MilesMoranTalks! Frank came in swinging hard this year and though he had 5 body blows that would take ANY other competitor down, Miles held on till the last second of the year and though I found myself alone at the bottom of the barrel this year I vow that I shall RISE LIKE PHOENIX FROM THE ASHES OF 2017 TO COME BACK VICTORIOUS IN THE NEW YEAR! Or you know, at least tie for first. What has become of me my friend. Now fly toward 2018 my titanium twitter tyrants AND LET THE GAME BEGIN!!!

Well, it’s that time of year again!

Well, it’s that time of year again!

     Now I’m not really a Christmas guy. I’m not religious and I’m not all together festive but there are movies and Christmas specials that I traditionally always watch this time of year, along with some occasional new editions and random flights of nostalgia that have accumulated over time and that got me thinking. Why not share my holiday programming with all of you.

     So what follows is a list of what I feel are 25 Christmas classics in the order and days that you should watch them to have the merriest of Christmases. Some of these may seem odd to you but do yourself a favor and take your hand of the wheel cuz VictorMoranLive is programming your Christmas. God help us… everyone.


 Santa Claus Is Comin’ To Town (1970)

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We start off our 25 days of programming with this classic stop-go animation origin story of Kris Kringle who grows up to be the man known as Santa Claus. For double the fun, watch this with a child and half way through explain the painstaking process of making something like this to watch their little minds explode as they watch the rest of it in complete and total awe.

 


 It’s A Wonderful Life (1946)

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Yes, nothing says Christmas like watching Jimmy Stewart contemplate killing himself ONLY to be stopped by an angel in training named Clarence who spends the rest of the movie showing him how much worse life would be if he had never been born. Now in real life you’d probably see a happier version of your parents and a strew of mentally healthier exes BUT in the movie does a really good job of selling the sap and in the holiday season, the sap is welcomed. Also look out for a charming scene between Donna Reed and Stewart that I think still plays today.

 


 Batman Returns (1992)

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Deformed penguin babies, politics, sexy cat themed BDSM, a plot to kill all the first born in the city and fucking Batman.  Now if that doesn’t feel like the perfect Christmas movie then I feel sorry for you. You hear me? I feel SORRY for you. There’s fucking penguins with rocket launchers strapped to their god damn backs! You know what, I’m done selling this to you, either your picking up what I’m throwing down or you’re an idiot. Oh, also, you learn a fun fact about mistletoe that’s easy to remember… because it rhymes. I MEAN COME ON! 

 


 Eyes Wide Shut (1999)

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This heart warming story about a couple that have lost their way and much like It’s A Wonderful Life leads them down a surreal path that inevitably makes them realize the love and strength of their relationship. It’s beautifully shot, scored and ends with one of the most perfect closing lines in the history of cinema. Also its a Kubrick film so you know it’s better than whatever piece of shit Tyler Perry Christmas movie your dumb bitch aunt wants to watch.

 


 Die Hard (1988)

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Look, we all know the story of John McClane and how he saved Christmas FROM TERRORISTS and yet we all have that one friend that insists on saying it isn’t a Christmas movie and I’m here to say fuck that guy. Fuck them up the ass with Hans Gruber’s dick. Clearly this so called “friend” of yours is complete and utter twat and you shouldn’t even allow yourself to be associated with a douche-bag of such proportions. You’re too good for that asshole. Now let’s watch a 1980’s coke-head get his fucking head blown off. Ahhh, Christmas.

 


 Trading Places (1983)

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Who can argue with a theme as wonderfully festive as wagering against human life? Nobody, that’s who. This movie has everything you want from a Christmas movie. Hookers, wall street, a drunken Santa Claus, horribly outdated 80’s slang AND Jamie Lee Curtis’ boobs. I don’t think there is much more I can say to reiterate the fact that this is classic holiday viewing.

 


 The Ref (1994)

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Alright, 7 days in and we hit some controversy. Now I know we all hate Kevin Spacey now and I in no way condone his shit behavior but god damn this is one of my annuals. For years now I’ve been watching Judy Davis as the ultimate bored house wife just fucking KILL IT in this movie. So get passed the bullshit and enjoy this Christmas hostage situation. At the very least you can take pleasure in the fact that Dennis Leary ties up Kevin Spacey and treats him like shit for the majority of the movie, though its possible he’s kinda into that shit. Moving on!

 


 Home Alone (1990)

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Ok, it’s Home Alone. Do I really have to talk you into watching Home Alone? What kind of piece of shit is gonna argue that home alone shouldn’t be watched during Christmas? Hell I’m an atheist that doesn’t even celebrate the holiday and even I want AND DO watch Home Alone this time of year. It just ins’t Christmas until I watch Joe Pecsi and Daniel Stern get outsmarted by an unsupervised child using nothing but household items and his wits. I guess I’m just old fashioned that way. Not to mention John Candy’s couple of scenes just make me happy.

 


 Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964)

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Who doesn’t know this classic tale of a deformed reindeer that is mocked and tormented by everyone around him only to eventually be accepted after Santa realizes, “Hey, I could use a circus freak like you as a headlight.” Sure it’s twisted and has no place in the holiday season but the animation is fantastic and  character design is cuter than a unicorn fart. Give it a chance. You know you want to.

 


 S01E10 – Mr. Hankey The Christmas Poo (1997)

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Where would Christmas be without those adorable boys from South Park Colorado? Nowhere that’s where. Only the Genius minds of Trey Parker and Matt Stone could make a sentient piece of shit a mainstay of the holiday and so it has been since this episode aired back in  1997. The story is heartfelt, the songs are catchy and there’s no way you wont be saying “Howdy Ho!’ for days after watching it.

 


 Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005)

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A murder mystery, a fast talking dame and a detective named Gay Perry. Throw in a little RDJ stammering and you got yourself a Christmas movie so nice they named the damn thing TWICE! Seriously, this is possibly one of the most quotable movies on this list and if you can’t appreciate a holiday Hollywood noir story then what are you doing with your fucking life. I can’t help you. I just cant.

 


 Grumpy Old Men (1993)

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Now I don’t know about you but my Christmas season isn’t over until I see old people trying to get laid. Call me a hopeless romantic, I don’t care, it’s just how my heart feels. Not to mention Anne Margret looks WAY to good for her age. I don’t know what baby Nazi blood she was drinking but she can get it. But from who? WATCH THE MOVIE TO FIND OUT!

 


 All I Want For Christmas (1991)

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Look, I know what you’re gonna say. “Isn’t this movie kind of just The Parent Trap but without twins and during Christmas?” Uh, yeah. But are you really gonna say no to movie that teaches you diner lingo such as “Marrying the ketchup” and has Leslie Nielsen as SANTA?!? I didn’t think so. Now shut your mouth and strap yourself in cuz your are in for some HORRIBLE 90’s fashion and a substantial acting role by Kevin Nealon. You’re welcome.

 


 Santa Claus The Movie (1985)

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If you haven’t seen Santa Claus the movie… well, I wouldn’t be surprised. Not many people are aware of this Dudley Moore vehicle where he plays an elf that’s trying his hardest to be notices by Santa only to be taken advantage of and tricked into putting ole saint Nick out of business by non other than John FUCKING Lithgow as a slimy 80’s yuppie driven by his greed for the all mighty dollar. Guys, I can’t stress enough how much you NEED to watch this movie. Trust me. You’ll thank me after.

 


 How The Grinch Stole Christmas (1966)

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On day 15 we downshift to this holiday standard for no other reason than the sweet sound of Burl Ives and let’s face it by this day you are ready to punch the next person that wishes you a merry Christmas in the face. So to calm your inner curmudgeon down watch Cindy Lou and the rest of the citizens of Whoville make the Grinch’s heart grow three sizes in the ONLY good version of this Dr. Seuss fairy tale.

 


 A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965)

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Naturally, once you get over the annoyance and the anger you may find yourself a little depressed and asking yourself, “What’s Christmas all about?” Lucky for you there is a little bald boy that NOBODY likes that finds himself thinking the exact same thing. What can I say, I’m a sucker for this special. I watch it every year but mainly for the sad piano score and dancing tips. Can’t nobody break it down like a limited animated crowd of Peanuts characters.

 


 A Very Murray Christmas (2015)

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After 2 days of old standards we switch over to a NEW standard. Filled with guest stars and phenomenal musical numbers such as “Santa Claus Wants Some Loving” Bill Murray does not disappoint in his Netflix Christmas special. It came out two years ago and it become a fine addition to my annual viewing list. If you haven’t watched this yet, you are in for a treat and if you HAVE watched it then you’re just excited to watch it again. WE LOVE YOU BILL!

 


 Home Alone 2: Lost In New York (1992)

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What’s this? Did Home Alone 2 actually make the program? You’re damn straight it did and for SEVERAL reasons. 1. Pesci and Stern came back , 2. Tim Curry as an added bonus and 3. this movie has the greatest title in the history of cinema and history. Think about it, everything you need to know about the movie is in the title? “Oh, they made a second Home Alone? I wonder what it could be about. OH, apparently this time around he is lost in New York.” Perfect fucking title! John Hughes should be given a postmortem award for it. I’m SO not joking right now.

 


 Die Hard 2: Die Harder (1990)

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Before you even say it, YES I’m aware that Die Hard 2 is basically Die Hard in an airport and I don’t care. It’s fun, Holly and the douche bag reporter are back and John McClane ejects himself out of an EXPLODING AIRPLANE. If that doesn’t get you jacked to the tits with the Christmas spirit then NOTHING will and I hate to be the one to tell you this but you’re dead inside. All your innards are just black goo. It’s kind of gross. Nothing I’m saying right now has ANYTHING to do with the movie… but it does.

 


 The Long Kiss Goodnight (1996)

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So did you ever watch the Bourne Identity movies and think to yourself, “Man, this would be cooler if it were a Christmas movie and Jason Bourne were a woman with Samuel L. Jackson as her sidekick.” ME TOO! Luckily there’s The Long Kiss Goodnight so we get to live that reality. It’s got clever dialogue and a bad ass protagonist MOWING motherfuckers down for the only thing she wants for Christmas… her daughter. Don’t  sleep on this movie cuz i promise you’ll regret it.

 


 Gremlins (1984)

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Alright, this is my favorite Christmas movie of ALL TIME. Seriously, I LOVE this movie. Christmas is not Christmas for me until I see a Gremlin come out of tree, attack a woman and inevitably get liquefied in a FUCKING BLENDER and THAT’S Christmas. If you’re one of these people that try to to say that this isn’t Christmas movie please DO NOT @ me on ANYTHING cuz you’re stupid and I don’t have time for you. I’m busy watching Gremlins and you’d be happier person if you were watching it too. Just saying.

 


 Scrooged (1988)

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You know how you make an INSTANT Christmas classic? You get a little Charles Dickens, you mix with a lot of Bill Murray, sprinkle in a little Bobcat Goldthwait with some AWESOME practical effects and BAM… you got Scrooged. I really shouldn’t have to say more than that sentence to you but I get the feeling you need more. Fine. What if I say Richard Donner directed it. Are you sold yet? Have you purchased the film already? Yeah? Now starts watching it.

 


 National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989)

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There is NOTHING that reminds you how horrible the holidays can be like the Griswold family Christmas. Family, neighbors, the elderly AND animals. It’s basically watching a perfect shit storm for an hour and 37 minutes. It almost makes YOUR family not seem so crazy and that’s really all any of us want for Christmas. Also, we have a young Julia Louis-Dreyfus, more than a couple of heartfelt moments and Randy Quaid BACK as Cousin Eddie spouting out lines like, “The shitter’s full!” God damn I love this movie.

 


 The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)

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It’s Christmas Eve, you’ve had a few drinks and a couple pulls off your friend’s pen and you are PRIMED for the unmitigated fiasco that IS the Star Wars Holiday Special. There are few words that can describe it and in fact I think the best way to understand what you’re about to see is to know what George Lucas once said about it, which was, “If I had the time and a sledgehammer, I would personally track down every copy of The Star Wars Holiday Special and smash it.” So now that you have an idea for what you’re in for lets head down to Kashyyyk and wait for Chewbacca.

 


 A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift Of All (2008)

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CONGRATULATIONS! That’s right, it’s Christmas day and you’ve made it through the good, the bad, the great, the old and NOW it’s time to sit back, relax and enjoy your FINAL bit of programming… A Colbert Christmas. Willy Nelson, John Legend, Elvis Costello, Toby Keith, Feist, John Stewart, a murderous bear, and George Wendt as Santa Claus himself, THIS my friends is TRULY the greatest gift of all.

 

 


 

     So that’s it. 25 days of Christmas programming. This is my gift to you and I hope you fuckers appreciate it. Remember that I too will be watching these movies and more than likely live-tweeting as I do, so feel free to follow me @VictorMoranLive and check on any given day to see what my thoughts were. 

HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!

 

Thanksgiving Day SALE!

Thanksgiving Day SALE!

It’s the Victor Moran Live Thanksgiving day sale! Wanna buy that special someone that perfect gift to show how much you love them? Well we don’t have any of that shit here but we do have our library of movies and music priced down SIGNIFICANTLY. Hell, with these deals you’ll probably be able to buy several of our items and if  that isn’t enough to at least get an old fashioned on the car ride back from your partners mother’s house then I don’t now what is.


Great deals such as these bellow this sentence that you are currently reading right now…

 

(digital copy)

Normal price: $3.00 – Today: $1.75

 

 

(A Pug Amongst Thieves full EP)

Normal price: $4.00 – Today: $2.75

 

 

(digital HD copy)

Normal price: $10.00 – Today: $7.00

….and possibly more at the shop!


No, yeah, I mean there’s other stuff and some of it’s even FREE so get your holiday loving, family dodging, waiting on the food to be ready ass down to the shop for this ONE DAY ONLY sale. Let’s face it, it’s better than listening to your aunt Miriam misuse the term “staying woke” or having to argue with your 12 year old prequelist cousin about Jar Jar Binks again BECAUSE I DON’T CARE IF YOU SAY ITS FOR KIDS, HE’S FUCKING STUPID ERNESTO AND MORE THAN A LITTLE RACIST. So click the link below and enjoy Victor Moran Live’s Thanksgiving Day Sale. HAPPY HOLIDAY AND THINGS!

Monday To Monday – Episode #50 – The Series Finale

Monday To Monday – Episode #50 – The Series Finale

Episode #50 of Monday To Monday is up to complete the set! This week: We discuss Christopher Columbus, internet rage, boobs vs tits & couple sleep habits on the final Acceptable Distraction with the Aragon Guerrero Gang,  realize it’s the little things as I finally fix my desk,  run a bunch of errands, deal with human beings, spend the weekend with @MilesMoranTalks, R Kelly, consent, voodoo, ALL while editing 3 episodes, dealing with faulty internet as I make Garry In Real Life AND bringing a definite conclusion to Monday To Monday. Remember you can follow Garry on twitter @GarryInRealLife, his son Ryan @NotYetNightWing AND AS ALWAYS you can follow me EVERYWHERE on the internet @VictorMoranLive.

Haven’t seen the  Garry n Real Life strip from this video?  Click Here.

Monday To Monday – Episode #49

Monday To Monday – Episode #49

Episode #49 of Monday To Monday is up in it’s natural manic state! This week:  I get my Movie Pass and watch The Last Jedi trailer before spending the rest of the week NOT sleeping and overworking myself into a chatty psychological meltdown where I talk Beloved, Snoop Dogg, Cheers, Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby,  Uma Thurman, crying in french, Blade Runner and I breakdown the top 5 ways to tell if you’re falling into a similar meltdown as I make Garry In Real Life. Remember you can follow Garry on twitter @GarryInRealLife, his son Ryan @NotYetNightWing AND AS ALWAYS you can follow me EVERYWHERE on the internet @VictorMoranLive.

Haven’t seen the  Garry n Real Life strip from this video?  Click Here.

Monday To Monday – Episode #48

Monday To Monday – Episode #48

Episode #48 of Monday To Monday is up for your visual addiction! This week:  Jingles and traffic as I run errands with OldGusMoran, Halloween and IT during coffee with Danielle,  weekend with Miles, Acceptable Distractions at The Salty Donut with Natalie and showing the kids vintage technology with Jorge,  all while continuing to wait for The Last Jedi trailer and I eventually make Garry In Real Life. Remember you can follow Garry on twitter @GarryInRealLife, his son Ryan @NotYetNightWing AND AS ALWAYS you can follow me EVERYWHERE on the internet @VictorMoranLive.

Haven’t seen the  Garry n Real Life strip from this video?  Click Here.