Here we are again, it’s like ever since the double dub ended the months are whizzing by faster than Mrs. Claus cumming off the tickle from the fat man’s beard but nonetheless your favorite atheist has the metaphorical eggnog to get you through the holiday season. Nutmeg included. OH, how I love being dirty on White Jesus’ birth month. SPOILER ALERT: He starts off as a baby but later he’s got like a sexy ass beard and the hardest abs. Yeah, serious glow up. Ok, enough of this, lets get it started.
Alright, NEWBIES, I’m gonna explain the bit here. Basically the gist is that I, a snarky bipolar secular man that sold his theoretical soul for a joint in 1997, will schedule out your next 25 days with a BARRAGE of Christmas programming. Enough movies, specials and TV show episodes to keep that warm Christmas feeling in your naughty bits. Not to mention VML Commentaries for 4 very special titles, scattered across the program. The audio commentaries are free for all immediately but the video versions will be released on their programmed day and is JUSTt for subscribers because it ain’t Christmas without a little capitalism.
Now, if you’ve been here before, you might see some returning favorites. Actually if you’ve been here since the beginning, you’re gonna see some titles we haven’t programmed in YEARS. Who knows why, maybe I’m feeling nostalgic but that doesn’t mean I don’t have plenty of new stuff to spice things up. Not to mention our standard tentpole titles that are NEEDED to put the ho in your ho ho ho’s. So get your holiday drugs on deck and tell White Jesus to oil up his cum gutters ‘cause VictorMoranLive is programming your 25 days of Christmas!
Tales From The Crypt – S01E02 – And All Through The House (1989)
We start this year’s Christmas festivities with a tale from the crypt about a holiday home invasion that’s perfect for the first Thursday of the season. I know, the year hasn’t exactly been great and it might take us all a bit to get into Christmas mode so I figure who better than The Crypt Keeper to jump start the jolly, with a little help from Robert Zemeckis on directing duty of course. It’s not quite first gear but it’s gonna warm up the engine while we defrost the windows so get ready to ease into the holidays with a little horror in this wonderfully campy Christmas classic.
The Long Kiss Goodnight (1996)
On to day 2 we give you the best gift we can give you for this first Saturday of the program, an introduction to the one and only Charly Baltimore with a side of Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson. In this Christmas action/comedy, Samantha Caine, an amnesiac who woke up pregnant 8 years earlier completely unaware shes a FUCKING BADASS assasin for the united states government. Written by Shane Black (Kiss-kiss, bang-bang, Ironman 3), directed by Renny Harlin (Die Hard 2, Nightmare on Elm Street 4) and featuring a kick ass lead performance by Gina Davis, this title hasn’t been on our programming since the ORIGINAL 25 days of Christmas 6 years ago. So get some hot cocoa and cookies together while you settle yourself in for a long kiss goodnight.
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989)
Moving along to day 3 for a Griswald family Christmas. If you’ve ever had relatives stay over for the holidays there’s no way you can’t relate to this. The dysfunctional family dynamics, the annoying yuppy neighbors and the constant struggle to be happy for the season while you’re quietly dying inside. The cast is loaded, starring Chevy Chase, Beverly D’Angelo, Johnny Galecki, Juliet Lewis, Doris Roberts, E.G. Marshall, William Hickey, Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Randy Quiad back before he lost his mind. The movie is beyond quotable and you can attribute that to John Hughes (Home Alone 1 & 2) who wrote the script. So empty your shitter and say mele Kalikimaka ‘cause we’re all going on a christmas vacation.
Santa Claus Conquers The Martians (1964)
Day 4 takes us to outerspace for this program regular that tells the tale of how Santa saved the children of Mars. Wait WHAT?! Yeah, you read that right, the children of Mars are in trouble and according to the Martian elder, Chochem The Ancient One, the ONLY man who can help is Santa Claus. Kidnapped and held captive with a couple of earth children by the Martian leader Kimar, Santa will have to figure out a way to save the planet’s youth while still escaping amid a coup d’etat led by Voldar, a child murder attempting member of Kimar’s military innercircle. You know, Christmas stuff. Anyway, grab your fudge sundae pills and hit your vape pen. This one gets wild.
Blast off to the red planet with company by putting us in your ear or on the corner of your screen and for this VERY special movie I chose my 14 year old son Miles as my guest. Check out his first time reaction as I torture a Zoomer with a christmas special Boomers grew up watching in this audio commentary and watchalong.
F is For Family – S01E06 – O Holy Moly Night (2015)
Starts off the work week with the season 1 finale of F is For Family that hits that perfect balance of realistic holiday despair and Christmas hijinks. Frank is dealing with his youngest son setting a neighborhood fire, his dog is missing, his wife is insisting on throwing a christmas party and all this while the airline he manages is on the verge of a strike as he attempts to settle a deal between the owners and the union. You got Bill Burr, Laura Dern, Sam Rockwell, Haley Reinhart, Justin Long and Debi Derryberry, just to name a few, giving great voice performances as the Murphy family and company. It’s 70’s as fuck, it’s heartbreaking but most of all its just funny. Enjoy yourself, it’s Monday night.
30 Rock – S02E09 – Ludachristmas (2007)
Day 6 takes us to 30 Rockefeller Center for the ridiculous goings-on of the TGS crew in the sitcom that is the closest thing we’ll ever get to a live action cartoon and in this episode the gang gets revved up for their office Christmas party that gets so crazy… they’ve dubbed it Ludachristmas. Plus a B story that follows Jack as he gets oddly attached to Liz’s visiting family when his mother Colleen comes to crash the festivities. What else do I need to say, it’s 30 Rock. Tracy Morgan is too funny for words, Tina Fey & Alec Baldwin are the perfect duo and the side characters are like kabuki theater versions of humans. Oh and I gotta mention Andy Richter as Liz’s brother and my personal favorite, Elaine Stritch as Colleen. Do yourself a favor, wrap up your Tuesday with this one.
Martin – S01E15 – I Saw Gina Kissing Santa Claus (1992)
On to Day 7 for a reminder that Martin had a sitcom in the 1900s that was insanely popular. Honestly, depending on your age you might be hearing the theme song in your head right now and if so then you’re gonna love this Christmas episode where Tommy convinces Martin to play Santa for his Big Brother program and oh how hilarity ensues. What else can I say, it’s Martin. Lawrence does his characters and the gang (Tisha Campbell, Tichina Arnold, Thomas Mikal Ford and Carl Anthony Payne II) play off him perfectly. Maybe I’m just an old fuck but I miss Martin and I’m thinking you do to so spend your hump day laughing your ass off and dancing to that theme song ‘cause it’s a jam. MARTIIIIIIIIIIIIIN, (how ya feeling?) *ehrr!
Bob’s Burgers – S07E07 – The Last Gingerbread House on the Left (2016)
Moving on to day 8 for another Christmas with the Belcher family. Teddy tags along with Linda and the kids who are going caroling while Bob plays the ringer in a high stakes underground gingerbread house competition that Mr. Fischoeder is hosting. You can always count on Bob’s Burgers to get the meaning of Christmas. As always you have H. Jon Benjamin, John Roberts, Kristen Schaal, Eugene Mirman and Dan Mintz as the Belchers but Larry Murphy & Kevin Kline get a little more spotlight than usual as Teddy & Mr. Fischoeder. Listen, the first week of the jolly season is almost over and I’m just proud we’ve made it this far right now so let’s celebrate with some Bob’s.
A Carol For Another Christmas (1964)
Alright, it’s day 9. Friday Night. The end of the first week of the Holiday season and the engine has been warming up long enough so we’re going full Christmas Carol on your ass but with a twist. No not by putting the Muppet or Bill Murray in front of the camera but by letting Rod Serling (thats right, the guy who created The Fucking Twilight Zone) write the script. Changing Scrooge to a bitter wealthy industrialist named Daniel Grudge who never got over losing his son in WWII freshens up the usual victorian setting and Rod Serlin’s writing style and tone was fucking made for an adaptation of A Christmas Carol. Add Sterling Hayden, Percy Rodrigues, Barbara Ann Teer, Ben Gazzara, Peter Sellers, Pat Hingle and James Shigeta and you got yourself a the perfect stew to shift us into first gear of the season’s spirit. All it took was a little Rod… who knew.
Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 (1987)
Now that we’re cruising, let’s make day 10 about fun. Remember the original Silent Night Deadly Night? No? Don’t worry cuz the front end of this movie is 90% flashbacks to help pad out the run time. The good news? It’s mainly the kills intercut with the now grown up Ricky (little brother of Billy, the killer of part 1) locked up in prison, telling the story and once they get past that it gets really good… Like REALLY good. Hell I’m just gonna say it and believe me I’m as shocked that I’m saying this myself but it might be better than the first. I know, the original is SO fucking good but Eric Freeman as Ricky in this one is just so over the top in the BEST way and the new kills go as hard as his performance. Trust me, it won’t disappoint.
Witness this massacre of a Christmas movie with us in your ear or on the corner of your screen and for this one I had to bring Oscar back as we watched the first one together except THIS TIME it’s BOTH of our first time reaction and we had a blast. Crack up along with us in the audio commentary and/or watchalong.
(Also, click here to buy The Rickys Go Hard Shirt inspired by this commentary.)
**only available till the end of the season**
Winding down the weekend on day 11 with this tale about Sin-Dee, a transgender sex worker, played brilliantly by Kitana Kiki Rodriguez, that JUST got out of jail after being locked up 28 days only to finds out her boyfriend/pimp is cheating on her. Along with her friend and fellow lady of the streets Alexandra (Mya Taylor FTW) she will walk the streets of L.A. to find the little white bitch thats fucking her man. Yo, this movie is WILD ok? Co-written and directed by Sean Baker and shot on an iPhone5 modified with an anamorphic adapter, it has an energy to it and considering its shot on a phone it’s surprisingly visually interesting. The Colors pop, the dialogue feels authentic, the performances kick ass and the story will legit make you feel for these very flawed but lovable characters. Oh, also its funny as fuck and the soundtrack kinda slaps. It’s actually one of the best Christmas movies i’ve seen in a long time. You’ll thank me later, watch Tangerine.
The Simpsons – S01E01 – Simpson’s roasting on an open fire (1989)
Day 12 gets the new week started with this classic that is both the first Christmas Special AND the premier episode of The Simpsons. Crazy right? The duality doesn’t end there as this episode that helped launch the popularity of the now long running show was written by Mimi Pond, who was both the first AND last female writer for decades after NOT being asked back for the second season. Either way, you can see why it took off the way it did. The story goes like this; Bart gets a tattoo and Marge has to spend the family’s savings to get it removed. Little does she know that Mr. Burns has canceled the Christmas bonuses at the power plant so Homer’s gonna have to pick up a side hustle as a mall Santa to make up the money. It’s everything you want from a Christmas special AND The Simpsons. There’s that duality again. Anyway, see the origin story of the Simpsons AND Santa’s Little Helper (last one, promise) with this classic.
Bewitched – S06E14 – Santa Comes to Visit and Stays and Stays (1969)
Day 13 is a fun one from America’s favorite 1960’s witch. Figure we’d keep it simple for a Tuesday. See, the Stephen’s housekeeper is a witch and not really a great one, Point is she conjures up Santa with a sneeze and now the jolly bastard is stuck at the Stephens house till her spell wears off. Forced to make the best of the situation Sam brings the Elves to use their home as a workshop so Santa can make the Christmas deadline. Elizabeth Montgomery is delightful as always and Dick Sargent does great as the second Darrin. David White does his usual as Larry Tate and Alice Ghostly is fun as Esmerelda. It’s light, it’s frothy and it’s awfully white but it’s inoffensive and corny in the way Christmas episodes are supposed to be. Perfect weekday bite size bit of the holiday joy and shit.
Living Single – S03E13 – Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow…Dammit (1995)
Moving on to day 14 for one of my favorite sitcom’s Christmas episodes so listen up, this one matters! Ok, so Overton and Synclaire are heading up to a cabin in the mountains from his childhood memories and the whole crew decides to tag along. OH, Regine brings this dude that she’s like whatever about and he ends up dropping her for Khadijah. AHHHHH, you know! I can’t blame him. Anyway Overton soon finds out a mega mall has moved into town and the mountain rangers keep stopping and fining him for attempting all his family’s old traditions. Proving that old adage, “You can never go home again… but you can shop there.” Real quick, Queen Latifah’s bad ass, Kim Cole’s commitment, Kim Fields’ sass, Terrence Carson’s suave, John Henton’s cadence and last but not least, my love, Erika Alexander’s sexy smart ass attitude. ON MY LIFE ALL THEIR TALENT, this is a cast that can never be praised enough and deserved to be named. I love these motherfuckers, give me my Living Single reunion! With that said prepare your hips for the moves you’re about to bust because if Martin’s theme song is a jam, this one is a BANGER. Keep your head up! *WHAT?!
Cheers – S2E12 – Where There’s A Will (1983)
Day 15, I know, it’s ALMOST the weekend but you can’t get crazy JUST yet. I mean, it’s still Thursday after all. How ‘bout a quick visit to a little bar in Boston where everybody knows your name? It’s Christmas time at Cheers so naturally Sam has a patron with 6 months to live tending bar. In his defense the dead man’s a rich old dude named Malcolm Kramer and he asked to tend bar. Anyway, before he leaves he gives Sam a signed $100,000 will for the Cheers gang and of course, they start fighting over the money. It’s an episode that touches on greed and death and morality that doesn’t forget that it’s also supposed to be funny. So take a seat next to Norm and let Coach pour you a fresh one because we’re halfway through the holiday season and we could all use a drink.
Female Trouble (1974)
Oh thank white baby Jesus it’s Friday. Get the holiday stash out for day 12 of the program ‘cause we have the the origins queen, the one and only Divine in midnight movie auteur writer/director John Waters’ tale of one bad Christmas and the pain that can follow. Think of it like It’s a Wonderful Life but you only see the bad version of how life went and Edith Massey is in it shouting, “Hetero! You filthy hetero!” Honestly, if you haven’t been initiated in the cinema stylings of Waters and his gang of filmmaking misfits known as the Dreamlanders then this is a good place to start. It’s sick, it’s twisted and expressly intended to offend the liberal minded as much as the squares. It relishes in being off putting and there’s a certain delight in watching the chaos unfold. Special shout out Mink Stole as Taffy Davenport. So light one up and watch Dawn Davenport’s long and twisted road to being a thief and a shitkicker that all started one very special Christmas day.
Watch the rise and fall of this legend with us in your ear or on the corner of your screen and for this one I invited Yessenia of MyXXfly, a.k.a. DJ Jocote of Jocote Jame to help me ring in the holiday season with her first time in a long time reaction in this audio commentary and/or watchalong.
Don’t put the seasonal stash away just yet ‘cause day 17 take us into the imaginative mind of director Terry Gilliam for a Christmas story set in a future dystopian consumerist society drowning in its own bureaucracy. The kind of bureaucracy where a fly getting trapped in a teleprinter leads to our lead Sam, a low ranked government employee with a habit of daydreaming, being marked an enemy of the state. Will he be able to escape this nightmare and run off into the sunset with the woman of his dreams? Only one way to find out and why wouldn’t you watch it? The cinematography, set design and score work together perfectly to set the tone of this world and the acting matches up with standouts from Jonathan Pryce, Kim Greist, Robert De Niro, Katherine Helmond, Bob Hoskins, Ian Holm and fellow Monty Python alumni Micheal Palin. Trust me, after the last two years, this one’s gonna hit different. You can @ me your appreciation later. I’ll wait.
Batman Returns (1992)
Slipping into Sunday for day 18 with Tim Burton’s goth kid adaptation of Gotham City and during Christmas no less. This movie doesn’t get spoken about enough this time of year, hell it hasn’t been on our program since year one and I guess I’m saying the shit needs some love so we’re bringing it back! Michael Keaton, Michelle Pfeiffer, Danny DeVito and Christopher Walken lead up this tale of murder, mutants, penguins and politics as Gotham falls further down the drain with help from Max Shreck who is raising the profile of The Penguin from sewer dwelling crime boss to promising mayoral candidate Oswald Cobblepot in a plot to syphon energy from the city. Throw in a bitter sweet romance between Bruce and Selina, cover the streets in snow, add mistletoe and a “goodwill toward men and women” and you’ve got yourself a Christmas movie with fucking Batman in it. So settle into the mood and get ready to see a man get burnt alive by the engine of the Batmobile because Batman is just back y’all… he’s returning.
A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965)
Well, we’ve made it to day 19. The beginning of the last week of the season and its about this time that we all start getting a little jaded by the consumerist nature that Christmas in our capitalist society tends to have and you find yourself annoyed and confused by the forced joy of those around you, wondering what the hell the whole damn holiday is really all about. Well you’re not alone because turns out Charlie Brown has seasonal depression too and he’s asking anyone who will listen to explain this shit ‘cause just like us, none of it makes any sense to him anymore. This classic special is seen by many with nostalgic eyes but the true way to watch this thing is with your grown ass adult eyes that makes you realize that the blockhead is actually the sanest guy in the room, as not only is there absolutely nothing wrong with having the holiday blues but it is indeed part of the whole fucking thing. So watch good ole Charlie brown be relatable as fuck with a kick ass jazz soundtrack to get this week started.
Futurama – S06E13 – The Futurama Holiday Spectacular (2003)
Day 20 feels like a good time for an inclusive anthology and we might as well make it a Futurama night for the win with the holiday spectacular that features 3 different stories. One for each holiday in the Futurama universe; X-mas, Robanaca and Kwanzaa. Featuring the usual Planet Express crew with some special appearances by Robot Santa and Kwanzaa-bot. Nothing like a ridiculous predicted future where all holidays have evolved to remind us that celebrating things is supposed to be fun. Who knew it would take a bunch of robots to get that message through. We truly are sitting ducks for the rise of Skynet aren’t we. ANYWAY, let Matt Groening and the gang help you get through this final tuesday with a smile on your face. Side Note: Surprisingly this is another theme song that kinda slaps.
X-files – S06E6 – How The Ghosts Stole Christmas (1998)
How bout for hump day, a haunted house story with a holiday twist? Sounds like the kind of case one would only find… in the X-files. Day 21 finds agents Scully and Mulder trapped in a house on Christmas eve with two ghosts haunting the shit out of every nerd’s favorite shipped secret agents. Bet you didn’t even KNOW X-files did a Christmas episode. Well they did. It’s actually a really dope episode and there’s that theme of loneliness that seems to be constant in all good Christmas stories as the ghosts seem dead set (pun intended) to show their captives how sad and lonely the season can get. It’s fun, it’s spooky, it’s all the things you love about the X-files with the added bonus of being acceptable to watch during the holidays season. So turn down the lights and enjoy this X-files Christmas classic.
Jingle All The Way – [EXTENDED CUT] (1996)
Day 22 starts our sprint to the end of the Christmas season so I figured what better movie for the moment than the extended cut of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s tale of the holiday shopping rush that is insanely relatable while also being so bat shit crazy that it could not possibly exist in the real world. Like, flyable super hero-like jetpacks exist and are within the budget of a local television Christmas parade. Mall Santas are running toy black market selling shitty to knock offs that also randomly break out into songs and brawls. Not to mention EVERYONE in this movie is kind of a piece of shit. Arnold’s a shitty dad and person in general, Phill Hartmen’s trying to fuck his wife, the cops are pricks, the retail employees laugh in your face, Sinbad has CLEARLY lost his mind, it’s just EVERYONE, I mean the only possibly redeemable characters are Arnold’s wife played by Rita Wilson and MAYBE the kid but everyone just sucks. I honestly don’t know if they meant to make this movie as mean as it is but damn it if it’s not funny to laugh at how shitty humans can be, even in the holly jolliest time of the fucking year.
Watch the chaotic Christmas carnage with us in your ear or on the corner of your screen and for this one I had Natalie come through as she only remembers seeing the movie once as a kid but has NEVER seen the Extended Cut making this her first time reaction in the audio commentary and/or watchalong.
Day 23 puts us on cruise control at full speed so you know what that means. Get the children off their devices, have them gather round the television and pop on Gremlins. For if the children never see Mrs. Peltzer dual wielding knives before blending and microwaving 2 gremlins then how will they know it’s Christmas? How can anyone be expected to have holiday joy if they don’t see gremlins murdering people while doing bits? How will they learn of Karma if they don’t watch the Mrs. Deagle get LAUNCHED out a window via a hacked stair lift? How will they find out there’s no Santa if Phoebe Cates doesn’t tell them that story about how her dad died? IT’S AN ABSOLUTE MUST! It just ain’t Christmas till you watch Gremlins. You know it, I know it, EVERYBODY knows it. So thank Joe Dante and have Dick Miller start up the Kentucky Harvester ‘cause the Gremlins have multiplied and they’re taking over the whole damn town.
The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)
It’s the night before Christmas and it’s starting to get late. The tree is lit up, the presents are placed. You’ve already had your traditional fried chicken and sneak to the kids door to have you a listen. It sounds like they’re passed out, assed out in their beds and no doubt have TikTok trends playing in their heads. So you tip-toe to your tv and you reach for your weed ‘cause it time for Life Day and being high is a NEED. ::hold for applause::curtsey:: You know the drill god damn it, it’s time to head back to Kashyyyk to hang out with Chewbacca’s family. The wife is nice enough, just look out for her nasty ass pervert of a father Itchy and no matter WHAT you do don’t look directly into Lumpy’s eyes. You just can’t recover from a thing like that, AYWAY, enjoy the musical performances, my personal favorites are Bea Arthur at the cantina and Jefferson Starship singing into lightsaber dildos but that’s just me. You might be more of the Cirque du Soleil type. No judgment, there’s something for everybody. So Watch out for the empire and do your best to stop Art Carney from fucking Chewies wife ‘cause it’s Christmas eve and we’re watching The Star Wars Holiday Special.
A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift Of All (2008)
Well, we’re finally here, day 25. Congratulations you survived. Look, I get why people that are into Christmas are so extra about it. At its core there’s a longing for your childhood when things were easier. A simpler time when the nazis weren’t out in the open and Stephen Colbert was still funny. Remember that? Back when he was doing The Colbert Report and he was like ACTUALLY funny. So funny he that he was able to trick a corporation into giving him money to make this ridiculous Christmas special that I’ve been watching every year on this very day for YEARS now and every year I think to myself that maybe this year it won’t hit the same but every year it’s like the warm Christmas day hug I need. A close friend telling me everything is gonna be alright via John Legend singing a love song to nutmeg. I’m saying I get it. So consider this an olive branch from a snarky atheist that likes to poke the bear… watch the Colbert Christmas special. It truly is the greatest gift of all.
So there ya go, 25 days of Christmas programming. How’d we do? Was this year’s program as good for you as it was for me? Maybe you liked last year’s program better? Click right here to check out the programs of Christmas past and if you have any suggestions for next year, or just want daily social media reminders for the full 25 days you can follow us on your social media of choice @VictorMoranLive. CUM GUTTERS FOR ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT…
HAPPY CHRISTMAS LUNATICS!
programmed & wirtten by Victor Moran
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