Well, it’s that time of year again where a whimsical atheist shows all you tattooed, gum-chewing, heathens hopped up on caffeine, THC & nicotine the true meaning of Christmas by programming your holiday season because well, technically there’s no law that says you have to actually believe in any of this crap to celebrate.
So for all the new lunatics, I’ll explain how this is gonna work. If you’ve been here for the last two years, I hear the groans but we wanna make the newcomers feel welcomed. So feel free to skip ahead cuz dad has to talk to the kids. As for you newbies, it’s pretty straight forward. What follows is a list of 25 Christmas gems in the perfect order to make your yule log CAKE.
Now for the returning lunatics, welcome to year three! You may see some returning titles but there’s plenty of new to keep you on your toes. Also new this year is the feature of commentaries. Under 4 of these movies you will see links that say AUDIO COMMENTARY and VIDEO COMMENTARY. The audio commentary tracks are free for all and the videos are a Premium Member Exclusive BUT in the spirit of the season we’re gonna let you have the first one free. So go plug in your tree and screw in that gingerbread cookies cart cuz VictorMoranLive is programming your 25 Days of Christmas.
Santa Claus Is Comin’ To Town (1970)
We start the 25 days by putting one foot in front of the other with this classic Rankin/Bass stop motion origin of Kris Kringle. Raised by elves, ginger as shit and dumb as a brick, Kris must get the children their toys but first he must make his way passed the magic of the Winter Warlock and the strict laws enforced by Burgermeister Meisterburger. It’s troublesome in spots and the songs are questionable but nothing says Christmas like stop motion movements and obviously perverted songs. So get ready to sing along because Santa Claus is coming to town.
Rise of The Guardians (2012)
Day 2 brings, returning for its second year in a row, the Jack Frost origin story that no one asked for but had no idea we deserved. Seriously, this movie is insane and no matter how many times I say Alec Baldwin plays a Russian Santa with a workshop full of toy making yetis no one believes me. Also Hugh Jackman plays an Australian Easter Bunny with teleportation abilities I think? It’s crazy on a WHOLE nother level but the lore is fascinating, the action is epic as shit and the animation is stunning. Just trust me, you need to watch this movie and I just gave you the perfect excuse to.
Ernest Saves Christmas (1988)
Welcome to day 3 where a perfectly ernest Christmas movie gets sidelined by the walking disaster and incarnate of chaos himself shows up. Ernest P. Worrell, a manchild that may or may not own a schoolgirl outfit has been tasked to save christmas from… well, himself if I’m being honest. The budget is clearly low, the script is shit and the effects are rough but damn it if Jim Varney and a continuous amount of odd choices doesn’t make this enjoyable. I sat down with my friend Natalie Alfonso and we did a commentary for it. The Audio Commentary is free AND as an early Christmas present we’re gonna give you the Video Commentary too. Sure it’s a Premium Exclusive but it’s a time for giving and you need an excuse to watch this. So take a massive hit to be as high as we were to watch Ernest both ruin and save Christmas simultaneously.
Home Alone 2: Lost In New York (1992)
On to day 4 and I thought we’d give Home Alone a rest for a year and bring back the sequel set in the big apple. So what can I tell you that you don’t already know? Starring Macaulay Culkin, Joe Pesci, Daniel Stern, Tim Curry and Catherine O’hara in what will be her first of two appearances in the program this year. NOT ONLY is the cast great but the movie is the perfect example of how dumb we were as children. NO WAY a kid can do what he does in this movie and get away with it but we give in to the disbelief because it’s kid logic, it’s Christmas and who among us DIDN’T think that eating a pizza in a limo HAD to be what rich people were doing as a child.
Aggretsuko: We Wish You A Metal Christmas (2018)
It’s day 5 and we’re gonna bring it down to a more grounded kind of Christmas. Interoffice romance, shitty bosses, loneliness and a crippling dependency on instagram likes to value self worth. Oh, also it’s Christmas Eve and it’s a red panda AND she sings death metal. No joke, this is possibly the most realistic story about the holiday season on this list and it’s a Netflix anime. The animation is both adorable and badass, the characters are three dimensional and it’s angsty longing feels genuine. So get your selfie game on point and be careful if you’re prone to seizures cuz Aggretsuko is wishing you the metalest of Christmases.
Office Christmas Party (2016)
Day 6 also takes place in the office workplace setting on Christmas Eve at an office party designed to land a prospective client that can save the company and hijinx insues. The story is unrealistic, the comedy is almost all physical and aside from Jason Bateman and Jennifer Aniston every actor is so over the top that the whole thing kind of feels like a cartoon BUT I must say that there is something oddly satisfying about watching a large party of people high off cocaine, distributed by a fan, just WRECK an office building from the inside, you know? So get your anarchy boner raging with this simple story about two dimensional characters fucking shit up.
Die Hard 2: Die Harder (1990)
Day 7 is here and so is John McClane… AGAIN. The second Christmas entry in the franchise takes place in an airport and pits McClane against a NEW group of terrorists. They double down on the action, the one liners, the convoluted plot and definitely on the kill count. I couldn’t tell you how many people Bruce Willis kills in this thing. So let everyone else spend their days arguing if Die Hard is a Christmas movie cuz we’re moving on to the best case of sequalitist with that magical holiday flare.
Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)
Day 8 is here to help you with that murderous Christmas season feeling by seeing what happens to Billy after his parents are killed by a criminal dressed as Santa. I promise that this is not going to go how you think it is. The gore is a blast, the nudity is expected and it’s become one of my new favorite Christmas Horror movies. I got together with Oscar, who had never seen this classic, and recorded a commentary for it. The Audio Commentary is open for all but the Video Commentary is only available to premium members so you can actually hear and watch Oscar experience it for the first time. For now beware the mother superior and stay out of Ira’s Toys cuz Santa is making a list and he’s killing all the naughty kids twice.
Day 9 and I bet most of you have never seen this outing by director Doug Liman and those who have completely forgot that YES, it is in fact a Christmas movie with performances from the likes of such baby faced actors as Katie Holmes, Timothy Olyphant, Melissa McCarthy and Taye Diggs spouting the classic line, “If you were any less black you’d be clear”. Yeah… for real. So spend the night remembering how the late 90’s did the holidays with this time jumping tale of tantric sex, drugs and violence with an aesthetic inspired by raves, a soundtrack modeled after Fatboy Slim and narrative structure doing its best to attempt Tarantino because it’s time to GO.
Bad Santa (2003)
Moving on to day 10 where a pair of criminals sneak their way into a department store Santa gig to rob the place on Christmas Eve. It’s foul mouthed, raunchy and is a great excuse to be able to see Bernie Mack’s wonderful face again. And if all that isnt enough there’s a sex scene between Billy Bob Thorton and Lauren Graham where she continously shouts, “Fuck me Santa”. Yeah, for real that happens. So put the kid to bed and get a buzz going cuz it’s always so nice when Santa is bad.
Santa Claus Vs. The Devil (1959)
Alright, it’s day 11 and I think you’re ready to get your mind BLOWN by one of THE MOST bat shit crazy things I’ve ever watched in my entire life. See, Santa lives in a magical castle in space where he has a sweatshop of children making toys and singing songs in the most stereotypical garb they could wear. Then the magical computer with human lips tells him about the Devil but its not the Devil Devil but a lower Devil and then Merlin gets involved, IT’S FUCKING CRAZY! I sat down with Yesenia & Frank of MyXXfly and watched this for the first time and what followed is the most confused commentary of all time. The Audio Commentary is open for all but the Video Commentary is only available to premium members. You don’t want to miss this commentary, if only for the joy of seeing us sink further into confusion as it goes. So get as high as you can and prepare to be amazed because Santa Claus is about to go toe to toe with the Devil.
Edward Scissorhands (1990)
Day 12 takes us to the magical world of Tim Burton where a lonely artificial boy with scissors for hands is taken in by a suburban family. Is this the most Tim Burton movie that Tim Burton ever Tim Burtoned? Possibly, but the visuals are gorgeous and it’s filled with the likes of Wynona Ryder, Dianne West, Alan Arkin, Anthony Michelle Hall and Johnny Depp before everyone got sick of him. It’s heartfelt and slightly tragic, which makes it the perfect Christmas movie. So get your hedges ready to be trimmed cuz Edward is gonna take a scissor to that son of bitch.
South Park – S03E15 – Mr. Hankey’s Christmas Classics (1999)
Day 13 has us going on down to South Park to have ourselves a festive time in their third holiday special where Mr. Hankey sits by the fireside and introduces musical segments from, Cartmen, The Devil and even a duet medley from Jesus & Santa. It’s the perfect way to get that old school holiday special while still satisfying your need for dick and fart jokes. What else can I say about South Park other than it’s South Park and nobody does Christmas like Trey Parker and Matt Stone.
Surviving Christmas (2004)
Well, it’s day 14 which means I get to say, who remembers when Ben Afleck played a lonely rich sociopath that pays James Gandolfini to rent out his family to relive his childhood Christmases? No, yeah, this totally happened. Rounding off the cast of this ridiculous premise is your standard son that won’t stop masturbating to online porn, Katherine O’Hara in her second appearance in our program this year and sprinkle in some Christina Applegate for love interest purposes. Look, I know this sounds dumb and broad and yes it is but Afleck’s commitment is enough to get quite a few chuckles. Totally worth the watch.
Santa Claus The Movie (1985)
It’s day 15 and for the 3rd year in a row this CLASSIC is on the list because god dammit, it has it all. Duddley Moore, John Lithgow, immortality granting elves, reindeer high on PCP, Mrs. Claus titties in a corset, a street rat and the thirsty rich girl watching him from her window. I had Linda come in to do a commentary and we had a BLAST. The Audio Commentary is free for all but the Video Commentary is a premium member exclusive. So what are you waiting for? Burgess Meredith with a six foot stach to give you permission? So get ready for enough Santa lore to overflow your brain cuz Santa Claus is here in movie form.
Jingle All The Way (1996)
Day 16 hits every parent in the feels with this hate letter to Christmas shopping starring Arnold Schwarzenegger as a mildmannored father on the last minute search for his son’s ONLY Christmas wish… a Turbo-Man action figure. It also has one of the most random castings with Rita Wilson as his wife, Jake Lloyd as his son, Sinbad as the wacky mailman and Phil Hartman KILLING it as the neighbor desperatly trying to fuck Arnold’s wife. So make sure all the gifts are under the tree because Jingle All The Way is every parent’s waking nightmare but damn if it ain’t funny.
Anna and the Apocalypse (2017)
Day 17 keeps the chaos going with Anna when a zombie apocalypse creeps in overnight during the christmas season. Look, I actually just saw this movie recently and I can’t even tell you if I think it’s good or not but I CAN say that this is something you need to watch. Seriously, I don’t know if it’s the gore or the story or maybe it’s the music. Oh, did I forget to mention it’s a musical cuz it totally is. That’s right, a zombie apocalypse Christmas musical. Yeah… that’s a thing apparently. So learn the steps and don’t get to pitchy cuz Anna is gonna walk us through the apocalypse with a song.
Community – S02E11 – Abed’s Uncontrollable Christmas (2010)
On day 18 we search for the true meaning of Christmas at Greendale Community College when Abed points out that everything is in stop motion animation. With the dean threatening expulsion the study group and Professor Duncan must help Abed back from his land of make believe. There are few shows that get the “Christmas Special” right but this one finds a way to crack you up while simultaneously hitting you in the feels. It’s a personal favorite of mine and the reason I loved Dan Harmond before Rick and Morty. Give it a watch. You won’t regret it.
Santa Claus Conquers The Martians (1964)
It’s day 19 which means you’re at the perfect place to watch Santa get kidnapped by Martians. Yeah, you read that right. Santa has been kidnapped by Martians. No matter how much I type it, it always seems fake but it’s real and it’s been on the program now for 2 years in a row. It’s just that good! Don’t you wanna see Santa subdue a robot or see how great the polar bear costume looked in 1964? OF COURSE YOU DO. So mind your way to the forest and call out for Chochum The Ancient One because this gem isn’t just out of this world, it’s out of its mind.
A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965)
Alright, you’re 20 days in and you’re wondering just what is this all about? Sure, the stockings are stuffed and your tree is up but what the hell is it all about?!? Enter Charlie Brown, the only person thinking the exact same thing. Shunned by his peers and overshadowed by his dog, Charlie Brown must get out of his funk and find the meaning of Christmas before the holiday is over. Maybe it’s cuz it’s that Charles Schulz Peanuts style or maybe it’s just the sound of the characters but everytime I hear that opening theme it just feels like Christmas. Make yours feel the same and watch it now.
Well, it’s day 21. Which means it’s time for THE GREATEST CHRISTMAS MOVIE OF ALL TIME. Look, I said it year one, I said it last year and I’m gonna say it again now. It is not Christmas until I see a Gremlin get liquefied in A BLENDER, ok? It’s not christmas till I see one of these fuckers explode in a microwave, overrun a bar and attempt to run over the Futtermans in a snow plow. Get it? It’s not Christmas till I hear Phoebe Cates tell me how her dad died and a theater of Gremlins sing along to Snow White. Why are you even still here?! GO WATCH GREMLINS!
Day 22 takes us back to the 80’s in this adaptation of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol with Bill Murray as Frank Cross, a sleazy TV executive who is visited by three spirits in the hopes of saving his soul before the end of Christmas Eve. Directed by Richard Donner and full to the brim with great performances, it is hard for me to find a legit reason to take this movie off the program every year. It really is one of the quintessential christmas movies and on top of all of that, it’s funny as shit. So look out for the ghosts of past, present and future because it’s time for you to get scrooged.
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989)
For day 23 we take a look at the stress of the holidays. Clark Griswold is doing his best to have the happiest christmas since Bing Crosby tap danced with Danny fucking Kaye but everything surrounding him seems to be dead set against that happening. His neighbors are dicks, his inlaws are judgy and his cousin Eddie… well cousin Eddie is Randy Quaid. ‘Nuff said. Look, everyone knows this movie and it’s for a reason. It’s funny and really captures the feeling of what it’s actually like when you’re trying to make the holidays great. So spike the eggnog and grease your sleds cuz it’s time for Christmas vacation.
The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)
It’s Christmas Eve and you know what that means! You’ve been struggling to get through the season and now it’s time for your reward. Chewbacca, Carrie Fisher, Mark Hamil, Harrison Ford and as always the entire Chewbacca family speaking Shyriiwook for WAY too long with no subtitles. Hey, I don’t know what it is about this thing that makes it just the perfect thing to watch on Christmas Eve but it just IS. Maybe it’s the Jefferson Starship performance that looks like they’re holding glowing dicks or Dianne Carroll’s VR porn but it’s the best thing to watch with a group of friends HIGH AS SHIT. Especially if their Star Wars fans but ESPECIALLY if they’ve never seen it before. So keep Art Carney away from Malla and don’t make eye contact with Lumpy because we’re making our way to Kashyyyk to celebrate Life Day.
A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift Of All (2008)
Well, it’s finally over. Meals have been had, presents exchanged and there’s nothing left to do but sit back and give yourself the greatest gift of all. A murderous bear tries to kill Stephen, Willie Nelson brings weed to baby Jesus, random awkward mistletoe moments and John Legend sings a love song to nutmeg that I promise you won’t be able to stop singing for weeks. Not to mention Elvis Costello, Feist, John Stewart, Toby Keith and George Wendt. So get ready to tap your toes and watch Santa Claus murder a bear because it’s time to have a Colbert Christmas.
Well there you have it. 25 days of Christmas programming. So what did you think? Did you like this year’s schedule? Is it better than last year? Any suggestions for NEXT year? Be sure to let us know on all the main company social media accounts @VictorMoranLive and feel free to send us your thoughts as you watch along with us every day. To subscribe to this RSS feed, click the ornament below. Look forward to hearing from you about all these movies & specials and hope you enjoy the audio and video commentaries as much as we did.