29MayMay 29, 2018

#TheEndOfTheMovie: Analytics

Ok let’s see, what to write that will get the attention of people and get shares and likes and drive traffic to my site? I could talk about being a father. Nah, that doesn’t get as much traction as one would like. I’d have to change father to parent. Fuck I wish I was a woman. Slap the word mother on shit and suddenly everyone gives a fuck what you have to say but that’s not an option unless I was Trans and if I was trans, OH BOY. Could you imagine the amount of traffic? A father turned mother, wait Orange Is The New Black did that shit YEARS ago. It’s probably old now besides I’m not Trans so that would be a major poser thing to do. Ok, so what can I use to drive in the audience? How can I exploit myself to improve my analytics? Ok, we’re brown. High yellow but brown enough to be chucked in the back of a truck in Mississippi. That’s not enough though. My parents are Cuban so in the eyes of most that would make me Cuban though I’ve spent my life being told I’m not Cuban enough by Cubans while simultaneously being told by Americans that I’m too Cuban to be American. So we can’t really use the LatinX thing. Oddly enough the people that have been most compassionate to my “#struggle” is African-Americans and I’m pretty sure it’s cuz they know that at a KKK cross burning we’d be kindle together quick as fuuuuuuuuuuuck and there is nothing that brings people together like knowing you’d both be lynched by the same people. #Respect. But back to the matter at hand, what can I #exploit about myself that is marketable? Let’s see, I already said I’m brown. I’m heterosexual, which let’s face it is NO help these days. Being a straight male is like buying a one way ticket to who gives a fuck what you have to say town.

This is kind of fucked up but it’s a true story so fuck it, I’ll tell it. So when I was in pre-production for the last movie I was trying to make, I met up with this guy who was helping the Coral Gables Art Cinema find local film projects, both short and feature length, for them to give like grants to or whatever. Anyway, the guy read the script and we sat down and had a meeting with him and he kept giving us all these dodgy answers as to why he thought the board he worked for that made the final decisions wouldn’t go for our movie. He kept being very vague and dancing around the subject until he finally said, “Look, honestly? If you were a gay man or a woman they would be all over this but you’re just a straight Cuban man IN MIAMI where there are LOADS of Cubans and you don’t even lean into being Cuban in the script.” Crazy, right? Not, “the script wasn’t solid” or “your production plans look iffy.” Forget that, the production would have had multiple races in front AND behind the camera. None of that mattered and so that brings us back to here. What to exploit. Hrmm. Well, there’s the fat thing but that doesn’t help because you can only be a fat woman on the internet. You know cuz it’s sexualized. No one is fantasizing about a fat man but SOMEONE is masturbating to a picture of a fat woman RIGHT now. No the only time anyone pays attention to a fat man is if he’s dancing, falling or chronicling every step on the journey” to being a not fat guy and that’s just gross. ALL OF THIS is gross actually.

Look, maybe it’s my age talking (which is also a fully exploitable thing: See Dabbing Granny) but I always believed that all that mattered was the quality of your work because, shouldn’t it be? Why do I have to know “what’s your race”, “who you fuck, how you fuck, where you piss, who you praise”, “how you vote”,”what you watch”, “when you eat and how you live” just so I can enjoy your work? Just do good work and none of that other shit matters. You rise above. But that’s what I BELIEVE. The reality is what matters now is having a niche and oddly enough my straight, high yellow, fat, atheist, Hispanic ass is not enough niche to move the needle. In all fairness to the way things work, it doesn’t help that I refuse to lean into any of these things, cuz, ew. The good news is that when I wither away into obscurity, a death I very much I look forward to, I will wither away with the pride of knowing that I never exploited myself for the sake of commerce.

OH WAIT, mental illness! I’m mentally ill, that’s a niche, right? #MentalIllness. Guys, I’ve tried to commit suicide SO MANY times, you have no idea. Seriously, majority of my classes were in portables. I fantasize about killing everyone in line at the market JUST because. Do mentally ill people buy things? I mean, yeah, I buy things and I’m HORRIBLY bipolar. I FOUND MY NICHE GUYS! FUCK ALL THAT PRIDE SHIT I WAS TALKING BEFORE! I CAN FINALLY EXPLOIT MYSELF NOW! WE’RE GONNA BE RICH!!!

written by Victor Moran

edited by Danielle Ruiz

01JanJanuary 1, 2018

2017’s #GreatestBandNamesEver OVER!

Happy New Year everybody! Well it’s now officially 2018 which means that 2017’s #GreatestBandNamesEver contest is over and I know you’ve been waiting for the results. Once again, good job everybody. Now let’s get to it.

RESULTS:

(example: Ranking – Tweeter – Band Name – Favorites)

@explicitlyrical – Foreskin Reclamation Front – 7

– Muffin Buffet – 7

– Busy Chewnola & the Mini Jumbones – 7

– That Pink Protuberance – 7

– Kitschy Tchotchkes – 7

@MilesMoranTalks – Okeechobee-Wan Kenobi – 7

@MilesMoranTalks – The Bad Idea Bonanza – 6

– Butt Trumpet – 6

@VictorMoranLive – Putin On The Ritz – 6

– The Actively Tired – 6

– Junkyard Bitch – 6

– Conversations With Your Ex Wife – 6

@explicitlyrical – The Naked Twister Incident of ’06 – 6

– Jagged Toenail – 6

@OldGusMoran – Snoke & The Mindbenders – 6

@VictorMoranLive – Shit Show Shenanigans – 5

– Cuntjunctivitis – 5

– Accidental Face – 5

– Speculative Spectacles – 5

– Baby Krakatoa – 5

@explicitlyrical – Shitty Graffiti – 5

– Gelato Farts – 5

@MilesMoranTalks – Jar Jar and The Jar of Jars – 5

– The Toadstool Trio – 5

@VictorMoranLive – Mutterfugger – 4

– Modern Whorefare – 4

– Hufflepuff Incorporated – 4

– Fishnet Floozy – 4

– Sunset Dickdown – 4

– Box of Knives – 4

– A Plethora of Pinatas – 4

– Munchhausen ‘n Cheese – 4

– Booger Brigade – 4

– Endorian Skies – 4

– Caribbean Jackrabbit – 4

– Crossbow Penpals – 4

– Antisocialbiotic – 4

– Premium Quaid – 4

@SammySweety726 – Driving Caffeine – 4

– Groot’s Boombox – 4

@explicitlyrical – T.M.D.T. – Too Many Dabs Today – 4

– Potato Famine – 4

– Disaster debris haulers – 4

– Shatner’s Chicanery – 4

@Acidsparkle420 – AKA Skeez McQueen – 4

– Alligator Death Roll – 4

@OldGusMoran – Hurricanes Suck & The Tongue Twisters – 4

– Kyloren & The Epic 8 Renbeats – 4

– Victor and the bundt cake – 4

– Grut & The Rootbenders – 4

– WaWa & The Wazoo – 4

– Groucho & The Conspiering Moran’s – 4

@MyXXFLY – Storm Surge – 4

– Catastrophic Khaki Crappers – 4

– Tiny Fruit Conspiracy – 4

@JustinAzpiazu – Bukowski’s scrote – 4

@VictorMoranLive – Fucked For Sure – 3

– Fisting Winston – 3

– Canada Drugs – 3

– The Benchmark Suicides – 3

– Accurate As Fuck – 3

– Schindler’s Fist – 3

– Radioactive Zombie – 3

– Soul Snore – 3

– Definitelt – 3

– Chocolate Tears – 3

– Schrodinger’s Cunt – 3

@GrouchO_cfc_ – The Guttenbergers – 3

– John Hickey & The Crew – 3

– Reactor 6 – 3

@OldGusMoran – Aunt Bee & the Mayberries – 3

– Darth Vader & The Rebellion – 3

– Wilkie& The Handjives – 3

– Peter Penis & The Spiders – 3

– Reylo & The First Orders – 3

– OldGusMoran & the dingolings – 3

– EJV and the Westchester Nerds – 3

– Chico y los perros de Caza – 3

– Una Garulla & The Quail Twins – 3

– Like cloaks The Firs Order – 3

– Miles & The Mio Mio – 3

– ChiChiHuaHuas – 3

– Arby’s we have The Teats – 3

@Acidsparkle420 – A Mortgage For Earl – 3

– Hoes Begat Hoes – 3

@explicitlyrical – Loose and Languid – 3

– The Mentally Deranged Dotards – 3

– Fibonacci Sequins – 3

– Talib Kweli and the Diabolic Nazis – 3

@MilesMoranTalks – The Potty Professionals – 3

@JustinAzpiazu – Toxic Taco – 3

– Wicked Thoughts – 3

– Cadillac farts and whisky nachos – 3

– The Cigarettes – 3

@explicitlyrical – Fuck Yeah, Corn!!! – 2

– Unreasonable Dumbass – 2

– Protestant Protest Ants – 2

@JustinAzpiazu – Bad Hombres – 2

@MyXXFLY – Quandarius Cooch – 2

– Uncanny Valley Face – 2

@dr_octo_stress – Mother Theresa of Kink – 2

@Faulty_TARDIS – Initial Birth – 2

@SammySweety726 – The Sniffle Coughs – 2

@MilesMoranTalks – Poop of the Night – 2

– SpongeBob & The Patty Pals – 2

@VictorMoranLive – Kelly’s Roast Beed – 2

– Breaking Plaid – 2

– Torrential Downpour – 2

– The Feeder Band Band – 2

– Fountains of Wang – 2

– Bullied By Babies – 2

@Acidsparkle420 – Death Is A Black Woman – 2

– Canvas Of Destruction – 2

@GrouchO_cfc_ – Witch Bitch – 2

– Bloody Fools – 2

@OldGusMoran – Kyrie & The Dairrheas – 2

– Zazapu & The Zebras – 2

– Heartthrob & The Lady Killers – 2

– Mud Slide Slim & The Blue Horizons – 2

– HootyTootyFruityORudy – 2

– Tardis & The Late Bloomers – 2

@VictorMoranLive – My Dental Progress – 1

– Sickly Saber – 1

– Core Compression – 1

@Acidsparkle420 – Shrimp Wig – 1

@VictorMoranLive – Ivanka Be In Pictures – 0

– Zombie Rapist – 0

Congratulations to @explicitlyrical & @MilesMoranTalks! Frank came in swinging hard this year and though he had 5 body blows that would take ANY other competitor down, Miles held on till the last second of the year and though I found myself alone at the bottom of the barrel this year I vow that I shall RISE LIKE PHOENIX FROM THE ASHES OF 2017 TO COME BACK VICTORIOUS IN THE NEW YEAR! Or you know, at least tie for first. What has become of me my friend. Now fly toward 2018 my titanium twitter tyrants AND LET THE GAME BEGIN!!!

27DecDecember 27, 2017

Bird Road Podcast

Over the holiday season I was invited on the Bird Road Podcast to talk television with @David_Quinones and @bydavidrosen and it was a fucking blast talking to these guys. Be sure to follow the podcast on facebook, twitter, instagram, etc, @birdroadpodcast.

Listen to the episode now on….

– –

29NovDecember 10, 2017

Well, it’s that time of year again!

Now I’m not really a Christmas guy. I’m not religious and I’m not all together festive but there are movies and Christmas specials that I traditionally always watch this time of year, along with some occasional new editions and random flights of nostalgia that have accumulated over time and that got me thinking. Why not share my holiday programming with all of you.

So what follows is a list of what I feel are 25 Christmas classics in the order and days that you should watch them to have the merriest of Christmases. Some of these may seem odd to you but do yourself a favor and take your hand of the wheel cuz VictorMoranLive is programming your Christmas. God help us… everyone.

Santa Claus Is Comin’ To Town (1970)

HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!

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