#TheEndOfTheMovieBlog …I dream of Muppets (part 2)

#TheEndOfTheMovieBlog …I dream of Muppets (part 2)

written by VictorMoran


     Once the head was complete I couldn’t help but play with it (don’t worry it’s not THAT kind of blog) and so there I was, a grown man in the dark playing with a puppet head. Needless to say it wasn’t long before I was talking to it. Look, I’m fully aware as to how crazy what I’m saying is but I can explain it VERY simply. Remember when you were a kid and you would randomly find an old worn out puppet in a toy bin in after school care, or your grans closet or those shitty ones they’d have at doctor’s offices? Remember how you’d put the puppet on your hand and suddenly YOUR brain just designated a voice for it? You didn’t think about it, you didn’t question it, it just came. So long story endless, in conversation Rickles and myself agreed on one thing for sure and that’s that he was furry.

     Now, as I passed through rows upon rows of rolled up fabric, heading towards the faux fur area, I must admit that days of online browsing had made me close minded. I knew the color, length and courceness I felt Rickles required. I thought a non flashy purple with the vibrance of maroon was NECESSARY. The length needed to be medium but leaning toward short and matty like Oscar the Grouch and ALL THIS was in MY MIND chiseled in stone. So imagine my surprise when I ended up leaving the store with a roll of bright royal blue long strand faux fur. I don’t know what it was. I just saw it and it SCREAMED Rickles at me and you know what the best part is? They actually had a roll of faux fur almost identical to the specifications I went in looking for.

     It was a gut reaction but if there’s anything I’d learned from all my research was that Jim Henson was really big on letting things happen. Sure, he went in with a plan but he never let it become a box and it’s with that spirit in mind that I justified going on instinct. OH, I also got a couple of rectangular felt fabric sheets for the mouth. Black for the inside of the mouth and pink for the tongue. I know, I’m basic as fuck when it comes to puppet mouths and I’m ok with that aspect of myself. Bet THAT’S a sentence you didn’t think you’d be reading today. But seriously, it was actually something that mattered. I’m not sure if it’s Animal or Sesame Street but the influence was oddly specific. 

     So I cut the felt fabric into the appropriate shapes for the mouth and tongue and put them into place with some crazy glue. Now for the faux fur. I watched a BUNCH of videos on how best to make a pattern for a puppet head and clearly none of them sunk in properly because this was an ordeal. Which is why I’m glad I don’t have a lot of pictures of it cuz I wouldn’t show them to you if I did. There was SO MUCH glue involved and the blue hairs were EVERYWHERE by the end of it. The great thing I found about the faux fur was that it’s very nature actually did an amazing job of hiding my mistakes and any noticeably ratty looking bits kind of added to the character of this puppet made from scraps.

     Overall I was happy with the way Rickles’ fur lined up. The color was inviting in the way that a muppet from Sesame Street’s is but was long enough to give that Muppet Show monster vibe and as if it wasn’t perfect enough, the length also made it easy to style in a variety of ways. Everything came out so good that it made it abundantly clear that the eyes were shit. I know you were thinking it, it’s ok. I totally agree. Originally I really liked the natural color of the racket ball for the eyes but that was back when I thought the fur would be short and purple. Also something about the positioning of the pupils was bugging me but first the obvious color problem had to be taken care of.

     As I sat there painting the eyes that I’d just ripped off Rickles that had been so hard to place and glue down just a few days prior I got to thinking about the early days of Jim and Jane Henson’s television careers when Sam & Friends was taking off and how they were reusing, repurposing, redressing and redesigning muppets for national tv appearances and local coffee ads. How Jim kept that spirit going when him and Frank Oz had THEIR run of projects. That idea that you cannot be precious about a thing while you are making it.

     The reality is that nobody is perfect and no art exists without discovery. There are LAYERS of beautiful paintings beneath the paintings we think are beautiful paintings. But Jim Henson knew this. Something isn’t working in the scene? Rip the thing to shreds if it means it ends with the solution. You gotta rip the eyes off the puppet that took you an hour to figure out how to stay in place? Just means you already know the right way so the second time shouldn’t take so long. That’s apparently just how Jim was. Anyway, while the paint dried I cut out some penny sized felt pupils and researched the positioning.

     Ok, this is actually the coolest thing. So there’s this thing called The Henson Triangle that people that have worked for the company say is the most important aspect of making the puppet feel alive. Essentially the position of the eyes in relation to the nose and mouth gives the puppet a central focal point that works perfectly on camera.

     Basically you have to make your puppet a little cross eyed. I know it sounds ridiculous but it’s true. Not too much of course but just enough that if you got up really close to it’s like it in that picture, you’d notice it’s crosseyed but take a step back and and if you did it right suddenly the magic of The Henson triangle can’t help but do ALL the work for you.

After what had turned into a long night of bringing Rickles’ head to life I went to bed quite pleased with my progress… but Rickles had a body in mind.

 

…to be continued.

 


written by Victor Moran


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#TheEndOfTheMovieBlog …I dream of Muppets (part 1)

#TheEndOfTheMovieBlog …I dream of Muppets (part 1)

written by VictorMoran


     It’s 1951 in Hyattsville, Maryland. A 15 years old Jim Henson stands over a pile of found supplies for a project, of which he just added a ping pong ball and an old lime green jacket from his mother’s closet. It’s 1985 in Jamaica Plain, Boston. My grandmother sits me down in front of the TV, puts a VHS tape into the VCR and presses play. It’s the 18th of September in 1976. After years of shaking the “children’s programming” label the entertainment industry kept trying to put on him, Jim finally got to make the adult variety show of his dreams and by the end of the night, it will have aired on primetime television.

     It’s the 14th of August in 2018. After 2 years of doing the site with Garry every week and finishing up Monday to Monday, I’m posting episode 3-b of This WIll Not Be Helpful. It’s been 6 years since I made The Nature of Things and doing the podcast has stirred up the desire for a big project. It would have to be something that nobody but me would want. Something so niche it would be pointless to make. Something insane. Something that showed it’s love of the very craft it took to make on its sleeve and above all it would have to be FUN. 

     My mind started racing, so I decided I would make a list. 10 things that NEEDED to be in this new dream project of mine for me to ACTUALLY go through with making it. I figured 10 is fair. 20 makes it too easy for me to bail out of and 5 is so few that you might as well not make a list at all. So I grab this clipboard I bought at Goodwill a couple weeks prior, mainly cuz it felt official, clipped a paper to that bad boy and clicked my pen to the ready. Number 1…

     Yeah, you guessed right, the first thing on the list was Muppets. Now, before you “Um, actually” me, I’m aware that a Muppet is only a Muppet because of Jim so let’s act like civilized human beings cuz you know what I mean when I say Muppet. It’s not the puppet, it’s the feeling. It’s the creativity, the passion and the anarchy and it was the first thing on my list. By days end I’ve made quick work of the other 9 and start researching my number 1. 

     In two days time I’ve rewatched every Documentary, special and BTS video I’ve ever seen about him. I took virtual tours of exhibits, rewatched Muppet Guys Talking & Jim’s short film Timepiece and listened to countless interviews by those who knew the man and those of us inspired by him. I must say that if you’re ever looking for an inspirational youtube rabbithole to fall into, just type Jim Henson into the search bar and believe me, you’re gonna get it.

     By the end of the weekend I had rummaged through research and the three videos I found most helpful to get me fully ready were Jim Henson on Making Muppets and 2 videos from Tested where Adam Savage visited Rick Lyon’s Shop and toured the permanent Henson Exhibition in the Museum of the Moving Image. It’s insane how far Jim got when you think of where he came from and it was with that spirit that I moved my attention to the closet.

    If Jim could make Kermit out of a ping pong ball and his mom’s old coat, then surely I could do SOMETHING with all this crap in my closet. I found a couple of crazy long foam packing noodles that could work for arms. LOADS of cardboard, a large malleable but durable foam separator, wire hangers for the arms, through my excited eyes there was LOTS to work with.

    After the smoke cleared and cooler heads prevailed it turned out that I didn’t have as much as I thought I had and what I DID have needed things I DIDN’T have to make what I DID have into a puppet. For example I had ALL this cardboard, which was great, but I only REALLY needed a little bit. That malleable foam was perfect but after cutting and shaping it, it wasn’t nearly enough. I think I had like a quarter of a small bottle of crazy glue but I did have a bunch of tape and a racketball.

     Well, needless to say, this isn’t a story about how with an optimistic outlook and the magic of Muppets I overcame all adversity with a stack full of not enough materials and somehow still made an all time iconic puppet…

…but it IS a story about how I managed to make a puppet head.

     Yeah, that’s right. I made a goddamn puppet head because technically it’s not illegal and nobody was trying to stop me. SUCK ON THAT SOCIETY! Look, I wholeheartedly regret not taking any pictures of the process it took to make this cuz as I’m sure you can tell, it was A PROCESS. Somewhere in between whatever I picked up from all the videos I watched and whatever kinda felt right.

     So yeah, sorry if you were hoping for some story about how I didn’t do the thing but learned some greater lesson or whatever but that’s lame. My story’s way better. ANYWAY, I spent the night in awe of it. I know I made it but I just couldn’t believe I actually did and before you ask, yes it DOES have a name.

It’s Rickles McNickels. I know because he told me so.

 

…to be continued.

 


written by Victor Moran


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THIRD TIME’S THE CHARM, IT’S CHRISTMAS LUNATICS!!!

THIRD TIME’S THE CHARM, IT’S CHRISTMAS LUNATICS!!!

   Well, it’s that time of year again where a whimsical atheist shows all you tattooed, gum-chewing, heathens hopped up on caffeine, THC & nicotine the true meaning of Christmas by programming your holiday season because well, technically there’s no law that says you have to actually believe in any of this crap to celebrate.

   So for all the new lunatics, I’ll explain how this is gonna work. If you’ve been here for the last two years, I hear the groans but we wanna make the newcomers feel welcomed. So feel free to skip ahead cuz dad has to talk to the kids. As for you newbies, it’s pretty straight forward. What follows is a list of 25 Christmas gems in the perfect order to make your yule log CAKE.

   Now for the returning lunatics, welcome to year three! You may see some returning titles but there’s plenty of new to keep you on your toes. Also new this year is the feature of commentaries. Under 4 of these movies you will see links that say AUDIO COMMENTARY and VIDEO COMMENTARY. The audio commentary tracks are free for all and the videos are a Premium Member Exclusive BUT in the spirit of the season we’re gonna let you have the first one free. So go plug in your tree and screw in that gingerbread cookies cart cuz VictorMoranLive is programming your 25 Days of Christmas.


Santa Claus Is Comin’ To Town (1970)

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We start the 25 days by putting one foot in front of the other with this classic Rankin/Bass stop motion origin of Kris Kringle. Raised by elves, ginger as shit and dumb as a brick, Kris must get the children their toys but first he must make his way passed the magic of the Winter Warlock and the strict laws enforced by Burgermeister Meisterburger. It’s troublesome in spots and the songs are questionable but nothing says Christmas like stop motion movements and obviously perverted songs. So get ready to sing along because Santa Claus is coming to town.


Rise of The Guardians (2012)

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Day 2 brings, returning for its second year in a row, the Jack Frost origin story that no one asked for but had no idea we deserved. Seriously, this movie is insane and no matter how many times I say Alec Baldwin plays a Russian Santa with a workshop full of toy making yetis no one believes me. Also Hugh Jackman plays an Australian Easter Bunny with teleportation abilities I think? It’s crazy on a WHOLE nother level but the lore is fascinating, the action is epic as shit and the animation is stunning. Just trust me, you need to watch this movie and I just gave you the perfect excuse to.


Ernest Saves Christmas (1988)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT] – [AUDIO COMMENTARY] – [VIDEO COMMENTARY]

Welcome to day 3 where a perfectly ernest Christmas movie gets sidelined by the walking disaster and incarnate of chaos himself shows up. Ernest P. Worrell, a manchild that may or may not own a schoolgirl outfit has been tasked to save christmas from… well, himself if I’m being honest. The budget is clearly low, the script is shit and the effects are rough but damn it if Jim Varney and a continuous amount of odd choices doesn’t make this enjoyable. I sat down with my friend Natalie Alfonso and we did a commentary for it. The Audio Commentary is free AND as an early Christmas present we’re gonna give you the Video Commentary too. Sure it’s a Premium Exclusive but it’s a time for giving and you need an excuse to watch this. So take a massive hit to be as high as we were to watch Ernest both ruin and save Christmas simultaneously.


Home Alone 2: Lost In New York (1992)

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On to day 4 and I thought we’d give Home Alone a rest for a year and bring back the sequel set in the big apple. So what can I tell you that you don’t already know? Starring Macaulay Culkin, Joe Pesci, Daniel Stern, Tim Curry and Catherine O’hara in what will be her first of two appearances in the program this year. NOT ONLY is the cast great but the movie is the perfect example of how dumb we were as children. NO WAY a kid can do what he does in this movie and get away with it but we give in to the disbelief because it’s kid logic, it’s Christmas and who among us DIDN’T think that eating a pizza in a limo HAD to be what rich people were doing as a child.


Aggretsuko: We Wish You A Metal Christmas  (2018)

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It’s day 5 and we’re gonna bring it down to a more grounded kind of Christmas. Interoffice romance, shitty bosses, loneliness and a crippling dependency on instagram likes to value self worth. Oh, also it’s Christmas Eve and it’s a red panda AND she sings death metal. No joke, this is possibly the most realistic story about the holiday season on this list and it’s a Netflix anime. The animation is both adorable and badass, the characters are three dimensional and it’s angsty longing feels genuine. So get your selfie game on point and be careful if you’re prone to seizures cuz Aggretsuko is wishing you the metalest of Christmases.


Office Christmas Party (2016)

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Day 6 also takes place in the office workplace setting on Christmas Eve at an office party designed to land a prospective client that can save the company and hijinx insues. The story is unrealistic, the comedy is almost all physical and aside from Jason Bateman and Jennifer Aniston every actor is so over the top that the whole thing kind of feels like a cartoon BUT I must say that there is something oddly satisfying about watching a large party of people high off cocaine, distributed by a fan, just WRECK an office building from the inside, you know? So get your anarchy boner raging with this simple story about two dimensional characters fucking shit up.


Die Hard 2: Die Harder (1990)

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Day 7 is here and so is John McClane… AGAIN. The second Christmas entry in the franchise takes place in an airport and pits McClane against a NEW group of terrorists. They double down on the action, the one liners, the convoluted plot and definitely on the kill count. I couldn’t tell you how many people Bruce Willis kills in this thing. So let everyone else spend their days arguing if Die Hard is a Christmas movie cuz we’re moving on to the best case of sequalitist with that magical holiday flare.


Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)   

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT] – [AUDIO COMMENTARY] – [VIDEO COMMENTARY]

Day 8 is here to help you with that murderous Christmas season feeling by seeing what happens to Billy after his parents are killed by a criminal dressed as Santa. I promise that this is not going to go how you think it is. The gore is a blast, the nudity is expected and it’s become one of my new favorite Christmas Horror movies. I got together with Oscar, who had never seen this classic, and recorded a commentary for it. The Audio Commentary is open for all but the Video Commentary is only available to premium members so you can actually hear and watch Oscar experience it for the first time. For now beware the mother superior and stay out of Ira’s Toys cuz Santa is making a list and he’s killing all the naughty kids twice.


GO! (1999)

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Day 9 and I bet most of you have never seen this outing by director Doug Liman and those who have completely forgot that YES, it is in fact a Christmas movie with performances from the likes of such baby faced actors as Katie Holmes, Timothy Olyphant, Melissa McCarthy and Taye Diggs spouting the classic line,  “If you were any less black you’d be clear”. Yeah… for real. So spend the night remembering how the late 90’s did the holidays with this time jumping tale of tantric sex, drugs and violence with an aesthetic inspired by raves, a soundtrack modeled after Fatboy Slim and narrative structure doing its best to attempt Tarantino because it’s time to GO.


Bad Santa (2003)

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Moving on to day 10 where a pair of criminals sneak their way into a department store Santa gig to rob the place on Christmas Eve. It’s foul mouthed, raunchy and is a great excuse to be able to see Bernie Mack’s wonderful face again. And if all that isnt enough there’s a sex scene between Billy Bob Thorton and Lauren Graham where she continously shouts, “Fuck me Santa”. Yeah, for real that happens. So put the kid to bed and get a buzz going cuz it’s always so nice when Santa is bad.


Santa Claus Vs. The Devil (1959)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT] – [AUDIO COMMENTARY] – [VIDEO COMMENTARY]

Alright, it’s day 11 and I think you’re ready to get your mind BLOWN by one of THE MOST bat shit crazy things I’ve ever watched in my entire life. See, Santa lives in a magical castle in space where he has a sweatshop of children making toys and singing songs in the most stereotypical garb they could wear. Then the magical computer with human lips tells him about the Devil but its not the Devil Devil but a lower Devil and then Merlin gets involved, IT’S FUCKING CRAZY! I sat down with Yesenia & Frank of MyXXfly and watched this for the first time and what followed is the most confused commentary of all time. The Audio Commentary is open for all but the Video Commentary is only available to premium members. You don’t want to miss this commentary, if only for the joy of seeing us sink further into confusion as it goes. So get as high as you can and prepare to be amazed because Santa Claus is about to go toe to toe with the Devil.


Edward Scissorhands (1990)

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Day 12 takes us to the magical world of Tim Burton where a lonely artificial boy with scissors for hands is taken in by a suburban family. Is this the most Tim Burton movie that Tim Burton ever Tim Burtoned? Possibly, but the visuals are gorgeous and it’s filled with the likes of Wynona Ryder, Dianne West, Alan Arkin, Anthony Michelle Hall and Johnny Depp before everyone got sick of him. It’s heartfelt and slightly tragic, which makes it the perfect Christmas movie. So get your hedges ready to be trimmed cuz Edward is gonna take a scissor to that son of bitch.


South Park – S03E15 – Mr. Hankey’s Christmas Classics (1999)

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Day 13 has us going on down to South Park to have ourselves a festive time in their third holiday special where Mr. Hankey sits by the fireside and introduces musical segments from, Cartmen, The Devil and even a duet medley from Jesus & Santa. It’s the perfect way to get that old school holiday special while still satisfying your need for dick and fart jokes. What else can I say about South Park other than it’s South Park and nobody does Christmas like Trey Parker and Matt Stone.


Surviving Christmas (2004)

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Well, it’s day 14 which means I get to say, who remembers when Ben Afleck played a lonely rich sociopath that pays James Gandolfini to rent out his family to relive his childhood Christmases? No, yeah, this totally happened. Rounding off the cast of this ridiculous premise is your standard son that won’t stop masturbating to online porn, Katherine O’Hara in her second appearance in our program this year and sprinkle in some Christina Applegate for love interest purposes. Look, I know this sounds dumb and broad and yes it is but Afleck’s commitment is enough to get quite a few chuckles. Totally worth the watch.


Santa Claus The Movie (1985)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT] – [AUDIO COMMENTARY] – [VIDEO COMMENTARY]

It’s day 15 and for the 3rd year in a row this CLASSIC is on the list because god dammit, it has it all. Duddley Moore, John Lithgow, immortality granting elves, reindeer high on PCP, Mrs. Claus titties in a corset, a street rat and the thirsty rich girl watching him from her window. I had Linda come in to do a commentary and we had a BLAST. The Audio Commentary is free for all but the Video Commentary is a premium member exclusive. So what are you waiting for? Burgess Meredith with a six foot stach to give you permission? So get ready for enough Santa lore to overflow your brain cuz Santa Claus is here in movie form.


Jingle All The Way (1996)

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Day 16 hits every parent in the feels with this hate letter to Christmas shopping starring Arnold Schwarzenegger as a mildmannored father on the last minute search for his son’s ONLY Christmas wish… a Turbo-Man action figure. It also has one of the most random castings with Rita Wilson as his wife, Jake Lloyd as his son, Sinbad as the wacky mailman and Phil Hartman KILLING it as the neighbor desperatly trying to fuck Arnold’s wife. So make sure all the gifts are under the tree because Jingle All The Way is every parent’s waking nightmare but damn if it ain’t funny.


Anna and the Apocalypse (2017)

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Day 17 keeps the chaos going with Anna when a zombie apocalypse creeps in overnight during the christmas season. Look, I actually just saw this movie recently and I can’t even tell you if I think it’s good or not but I CAN say that this is something you need to watch. Seriously, I don’t know if it’s the gore or the story or maybe it’s the music. Oh, did I forget to mention it’s a musical cuz it totally is. That’s right, a zombie apocalypse Christmas musical. Yeah… that’s a thing apparently. So learn the steps and don’t get to pitchy cuz Anna is gonna walk us through the apocalypse with a song.


Community – S02E11 – Abed’s Uncontrollable Christmas (2010)

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On day 18 we search for the true meaning of Christmas at Greendale Community College when Abed points out that everything is in stop motion animation. With the dean threatening expulsion the study group and Professor Duncan must help Abed back from his land of make believe. There are few shows that get the “Christmas Special” right but this one finds a way to crack you up while simultaneously hitting you in the feels. It’s a personal favorite of mine and the reason I loved Dan Harmond before Rick and Morty. Give it a watch. You won’t regret it.


Santa Claus Conquers The Martians (1964)

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It’s day 19  which means you’re at the perfect place to watch Santa get kidnapped by Martians. Yeah, you read that right. Santa has been kidnapped by Martians. No matter how much I type it, it always seems fake but it’s real and it’s been on the program now for 2 years in a row. It’s just that good! Don’t you wanna see Santa subdue a robot or see how great the polar bear costume looked in 1964? OF COURSE YOU DO. So mind your way to the forest and call out for Chochum The Ancient One because this gem isn’t just out of this world, it’s out of its mind.


A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965)

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Alright, you’re 20 days in and you’re wondering just what is this all about? Sure, the stockings are stuffed and your tree is up but what the hell is it all about?!? Enter Charlie Brown, the only person thinking the exact same thing. Shunned by his peers and overshadowed by his dog, Charlie Brown must get out of his funk and find the meaning of Christmas before the holiday is over. Maybe it’s cuz it’s that Charles Schulz Peanuts style or maybe it’s just the sound of the characters but everytime I hear that opening theme it just feels like Christmas. Make yours feel the same and watch it now.


Gremlins (1984)

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Well, it’s day 21. Which means it’s time for THE GREATEST CHRISTMAS MOVIE OF ALL TIME. Look, I said it year one, I said it last year and I’m gonna say it again now. It is not Christmas until I see a Gremlin get liquefied in A BLENDER, ok? It’s not christmas till I see one of these fuckers explode in a microwave, overrun a bar and attempt to run over the Futtermans in a snow plow. Get it? It’s not Christmas till I hear Phoebe Cates tell me how her dad died and a theater of Gremlins sing along to Snow White. Why are you even still here?! GO WATCH GREMLINS!


Scrooged (1988)

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Day 22 takes us back to the 80’s in this adaptation of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol with Bill Murray as Frank Cross, a sleazy TV executive who is visited by three spirits in the hopes of saving his soul before the end of Christmas Eve. Directed by Richard Donner and full to the brim with great performances, it is hard for me to find a legit reason to take this movie off the program every year. It really is one of the quintessential christmas movies and on top of all of that, it’s funny as shit. So look out for the ghosts of past, present and future because it’s time for you to get scrooged.


National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989)

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For day 23 we take a look at the stress of the holidays. Clark Griswold is doing his best to have the happiest christmas since Bing Crosby tap danced with Danny fucking Kaye but everything surrounding him seems to be dead set against that happening. His neighbors are dicks, his inlaws are judgy and his cousin Eddie… well cousin Eddie is Randy Quaid. ‘Nuff said. Look, everyone knows this movie and it’s for a reason. It’s funny and really captures the feeling of what it’s actually like when you’re trying to make the holidays great. So spike the eggnog and grease your sleds cuz it’s time for Christmas vacation. 


The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)

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It’s Christmas Eve and you know what that means! You’ve been struggling to get through the season and now it’s time for your reward. Chewbacca, Carrie Fisher, Mark Hamil, Harrison Ford and as always the entire Chewbacca family speaking Shyriiwook for WAY too long with no subtitles. Hey, I don’t know what it is about this thing that makes it just the perfect thing to watch on Christmas Eve but it just IS. Maybe it’s the Jefferson Starship performance that looks like they’re holding glowing dicks or Dianne Carroll’s VR porn but it’s the best thing to watch with a group of friends HIGH AS SHIT. Especially if their Star Wars fans but ESPECIALLY if they’ve never seen it before. So keep Art Carney away from Malla and don’t make eye contact with Lumpy because we’re making our way to Kashyyyk to celebrate Life Day.


A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift Of All (2008)

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Well, it’s finally over. Meals have been had, presents exchanged and there’s nothing left to do but sit back and give yourself the greatest gift of all. A murderous bear tries to kill Stephen, Willie Nelson brings weed to baby Jesus, random awkward mistletoe moments and John Legend sings a love song to nutmeg that I promise you won’t be able to stop singing for weeks. Not to mention Elvis Costello, Feist, John Stewart, Toby Keith and George Wendt. So get ready to tap your toes and watch Santa Claus murder a bear because it’s time to have a Colbert Christmas.


    Well there you have it. 25 days of Christmas programming. So what did you think? Did you like this year’s schedule? Is it better than last year? Any suggestions for NEXT year? Be sure to let us know on all the main company social media accounts @VictorMoranLive and feel free to send us your thoughts as you watch along with us every day. To subscribe to this RSS feed, click the ornament below. Look forward to hearing from you about all these movies & specials and hope you enjoy the audio and video commentaries as much as we did.


MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!

It’s the 2019 Fall Preview!

It’s the 2019 Fall Preview!

Welcome to the VictorMoranLive fall preview Lunatics!

 

    Yes, the air is getting crisper, the temperature is dropping and we are gonna spend the next month giving you Lunatics some sneak peaks and early previews of some of the programming we have coming to you in 2020. 

    Flagships, Garry In Real Life and This Will Not Be Helpful are of course returning to get you through your Mondays and Fridays as always to make sure your week begins with the world’s favorite webcomic and ends with its most useless podcast.

    All New episodes of There’s a Riot Goin’ On and write ups from The End Of The Movie Blog well be coming back and though still infrequent, they will be nice surprises to randomly pop up over your weekend from time to time whenever I get a chance to either sit at my keyboard or across from someone interesting.

    Get your melodic fix with our music curation podcasts, Jocote Jams and The Soundtrack. Hosts DJ Jocote and Victor Moran will be mixing up an hour of music you should know about once a month for all Premium Members from January to June.

    Sit down with host, Oscar Benitez and guests as they watch and discuss movies in our 6 episode film curation series, The Movie Cavalcade and it’s companion audio commentary tracks. This premium member exclusive is sure to remind you why you fell in love with movies in the first place and just so you casual Lunatics don’t feel too left out… we’re making the commentary tracks available to all.

    As you can see, we’ve been up to a bit of work on the site so we figured we’d let you take a peek in at VictorMoranLive in a Monday to Monday special that covers the whole year of 2019. All that Monday to Monday insanity you love in one extra large episode.

 

    As for the “more” there’s our Halloween & Christmas programming and new contributors we’re working with for write ups and other projects. Those will be announced later in the new year but for now you can look forward to teases and early looks every wednesday this month in our fall preview of the VictorMoranLive 2020 season.

 

Stay tuned.

2018’s #GreatestBandNamesEver OVER!

2018’s #GreatestBandNamesEver OVER!

Happy New Year everybody! Well it’s now officially 2019 which means that 2018’s #GreatestBandNamesEver contest is over and I know you’ve been waiting for the results. Once again, good job everybody. Now let’s get to it.

RESULTS:

(example: Ranking – Tweeter – Band Name – Favorites)

 

1st Place:

@VictorMoranLive – Tobor – 10   

 

2nd Place:

@VictorMoranLive – Manga Mimics – 8

@VictorMoranLive – The Death of Stan Lee – 8

 

3rd Place:

@VictorMoranLive – Butt Whisperer – 7

 

4th Place:

@MyXXFLY – My Pussy Fro – 6

@ExplicitLyrical – Sexcelsior! – 6 

 

5th Place:

@ExplicitLyrical – A Fetish for Rubbish – 5

@ExplicitLyrical – Amazon Atom Bombs – 5

@VictorMoranLive – Brokeback Breakdown – 5

@MyXXFLY – Freaky Tongue Bumps – 5

@ExplicitLyrical – Funk Marinade – 5

@VictorMoranLive – Honduran Justice – 5

@VictorMoranLive – Intimate Odor – 5

@OldGusMoran – Marijuana Guanabana – 5

@ExplicitLyrical – My Cousins Kurt and Clint – 5

@MyXXFLY – Paradoxical Popsicle – 5

@ExplicitLyrical – Pingus Majingus – 5

@VictorMoranLive – Power Pole – 5

@ExplicitLyrical – Pretentious Puertorican Pricks – 5

@ExplicitLyrical – Shit-fil-a – 5

@VictorMoranLive – Sushi Rich – 5

 

6th Place:

@ExplicitLyrical – A Crack Whore Named Gertrude – 4

@ExplicitLyrical – Acmetonia – 4

@dr_octo_stress – Angry Black Bassists – 4

@dr_octo_stress – Canadian Fuckboys – 4

@VictorMoranLive – Existential Bread – 4

@VictorMoranLive – False Jedi – 4

@MyXXFLY – Flirts with Crisis – 4

@ExplicitLyrical – GlitterJizz – 4

@OldGusMoran – Gort Klaatu Barada Nikto – 4

@VictorMoranLive – Guatamala Goth – 4

@MyXXFLY – Healthy-Looking Whores – 4

@VictorMoranLive – Hungarian Vegitarian – 4

@MyXXFLY – Intergalactic Brujas – 4

@ExplicitLyrical – Juggalo journalism – 4

@VictorMoranLive – Jesus & Son’s – 4

@OldGusMoran – Kinky Dinky Pinky – 4

@OldGusMoran – Let it out Let it all hang out – 4

@Pongo_Pigmaeus – Lewd Dudes – 4

@OldGusMoran – Nordic Freeze – 4

@dr_octo_stress – Suicide by Gluttony – 4

@ExplicitLyrical – Teatro de Boludéz – 4

@VictorMoranLive – Thai Guy – 4

@ExplicitLyrical – Thanos’ anus – 4

@MyXXFLY – The Bomb Cyclone – 4

@Pongo_Pigmaeus – The Moran Collusion Sham – 4

@ExplicitLyrical – The Petulant Masturbators – 4

@Pongo_Pigmaeus – The White Ratchet – 4

@OldGusMoran – Treehouse Trolles – 4

@ExplicitLyrical – Wall-to-Wall Failure – 4

 

 

7th Place:

@dr_octo_stress – A bad drunk and the monkey pirates – 3

@ExplicitLyrical – Bag O’Hydrangeas – 3

@ExplicitLyrical – Black Phoenix Alchemy – 3

@VictorMoranLiveBureaucracy & The Bourgeoisie – 3

@OldGusMoranCannabis Kanobi – 3

@OldGusMoran – Cosmo’s Factory – 3

@ExplicitLyrical – Dingo and the Vajingos – 3

@ExplicitLyrical – Dollar Tree Shopping Spree – 3

@MilesMoranTalks – Double whammy – 3

@OldGusMoranEverest Rising – 3

@OldGusMoran – Extreme Gravity Puncture – 3

@dr_octo_stress – Fetish Avengers – 3

@Pongo_Pigmaeus – Ghost Fart – 3

@Acidsparkle420 – Hazelnuts and Musk – 3

@OldGusMoranHoochikukoochiku – 3

@dr_octo_stress – Hooker Penguins and the Shiny Pebbles – 3

@OldGusMoran –  HootersShooters – 3

@OldGusMoran – Hostile, Reptile – 3

@OldGusMoran – Hungarian Goulash – 3

@VictorMoranLive – Kitty Titty – 3

@Pongo_Pigmaeus – La Boca Del Lobo – 3

@ExplicitLyrical – Latin Putin – 3

@VictorMoranLive – Maximum Range – 3

@OldGusMoran – MilesAshNerfhurders – 3

@VictorMoranLive – Monkey Titty – 3

@OldGusMoran – MorningGirlMeetsSexieSadiesWrath – 3

@VictorMoranLive – Occasional Kubrik – 3

@OldGusMoran – Pacific Steam – 3

@Pongo_Pigmaeus – People Yelling Fire – 3

@ExplicitLyrical – Platonic Pissing – 3

@OldGusMoran – Porgies Pig Toontown – 3

@Pongo_Pigmaeus – Pork Bait – 3

@Pongo_Pigmaeus – Razz Ran Rampant – 3

@OldGusMoran – Ragnanarok & Roll – 3

@VictorMoranLive – Somalian Sommelier – 3

@VictorMoranLive – Satanic Granite – 3

@VictorMoranLive – Sexy Inception – 3

@OldGusMoran – Shelter Skelter – 3

@VictorMoranLive – Sister Wives – 3

@VictorMoranLive – Sloppy Joe & Tater tot – 3

@OldGusMoran – Snap Twats Lickers Feast – 3

@VictorMoranLive – Spray For Pain – 3

@VictorMoranLiveSprechen Sie Deutsch – 3

@ExplicitLyrical – Sterile Mojoless Dudes – 3

@VictorMoranLive – Tampon & Lemon – 3

@VictorMoranLive – Tastefully Formica – 3

@OldGusMoran – Thanos and The Endgame – 3

@Pongo_Pigmaeus – The Baghdad Battery – 3

@OldGusMoran – The Tart Fars – 3

@OldGusMoran – The Thundercats – 3

@ExplicitLyrical – Teton Smash – 3

@Pongo_Pigmaeus – The Ancient Chinese Secret – 3

@VictorMoranLive – The Butt Bandit Band – 3

@VictorMoranLive – The Kim Jeong-Hoon Room – 3

@OldGusMoran – The Porgs From Itchycoo Park – 3

@ExplicitLyrical – Too Lewd for YouTube – 3

@OldGusMoran – Torti Morti – 3

@VictorMoranLive – United Pickle – 3

@OldGusMoran – WA WA 7 The WATWOS – 3

@OldGusMoran – Whale Fart Tsunami – 3

@dr_octo_stress – Queerdos – 3

 

8th Place:

@VictorMoranLive – A Bag of Pringles – 2

@Pongo_Pigmaeus – Black Sass – 2

@dr_octo_stress – Commando lo mein – 2

@VictorMoranLive – Death by Donut – 2

@OldGusMoran – Dropping Deep – 2

@VictorMoranLive – DTFAF – 2

@dr_octo_stress – East Market Slut – 2

@OldGusMoran – Emerald Dragons – 2

@OldGusMoran – Everlasting Papaya Juice – 2

@Pongo_Pigmaeus – Fidel Hell – 2

@dr_octo_stress – Gentle needles – 2

@OldGusMoranGoo Goo Goo Choo & The Eggman – 2

@ezMoneyguapo – Gorilla Fist – 2

@ExplicitLyrical – Hans’ Henchemen – 2

@VictorMoranLive – Hipster Lumberjack – 2

@OldGusMoran – Hula Angula – 2

@dr_octo_stress – Kiwi Headache – 2

@VictorMoranLive – MacMan-She – 2

@Pongo_Pigmaeus – Miyagi 99 – 2

@ExplicitLyrical – Paranormal Chinamen – 2

@VictorMoranLive – Part-time Hero – 2

@ExplicitLyrical – Pizza, Wings & Chucherias – 2

@OldGusMoran – PU55Y – 2

@VictorMoranLive – Porg Apologist – 2

@OldGusMoran – Rudy’s Tutty Frutty’s – 2

@Pongo_Pigmaeus – Schlemiel – 2

@MilesMoranTalks – Shoopy poopy groopy – 2

@OldGusMoran – The Crystal Creature – 2

@dr_octo_stress – The corrupted condoms – 2

@dr_octo_stress – the great Star Wars baking show – 2

@OldGusMoran – The Lebronettes – 2

@Pongo_Pigmaeus – Tirando Vergazös – 2

@Acidsparkle420 – Tottenham Line Massacre – 2

@VictorMoranLive – Transylvania Fogger – 2

@OldGusMoran – Tricky Licky Dicky – 2

@VictorMoranLive – Unintentional Thirst Trap – 2

@OldGusMoran – Wakanda’s Magic Wand – 2

@ExplicitLyrical – Wham! Boom! Pow! in ya Mouth – 2

@dr_octo_stress – Wookie Youtube – 2

@OldGusMoran – Yin Yan Bing Bang – 2

 

9th Place:

 

@OldGusMoran – Angula Hula – 1

@OldGusMoran – BangoBongoCongo – 1

@OldGusMoran – Occasion, Occasionally – 1

@OldGusMoran – OggioOrologio – 1

@Pongo_Pigmaeus – Poke Buds – 1

@OldGusMoran – Pussy Whisperer – 1

 

LAST Place:

@Pongo_Pigmaeus – Colombian Parties – 0

@OldGusMoran – Colonoscopy Screamer – 0

@OldGusMoran – ShelterSkelter – 0

@OldGusMoran – Teeeter and The Monkey Man – 0

@VictorMoranLive – The Best of Chuck Norris – 0

  

Congratulations to MYSELF! LIKE PHOENIX I ROSE FROM THE ASHES OF 2017 AND PROVED VICTORIOUS with 3rd place, a tie with MYSELF at 2nd place and the cherry on top, 1st place!!! I HAVE RETURNED AS THE RIGHTFUL KING OF #GreatestBandNamesEver!!!! Well, atleast for 2018. Who knows what will happen in the next year and who will fight for the throne in BLOOD! So go on and FIGHT in 2019 my battle ready tweeter toads AND LET THE GAME BEGIN!!!

…AND WE’RE BAAAAAAAAAACK!!!

…AND WE’RE BAAAAAAAAAACK!!!

   Well, it’s that time of year again and I still have a website up and running and NO ONE CAN STOP ME, so you know what that means! Yes, it’s time to let a lovable atheist in search of weed and the true meaning of Christmas program your holiday viewing. What, it worked last year didn’t it? DIDN’T IT?!?

   So for all the new kids, I’ll explain what’s gonna happen next. I don’t do this because I doubt your intelligence but because the internet is a big and scary place and I don’t want you worrying that you’ll be suddenly flooded by a hoard of dicks on your screen. That is NOT what’s gonna happen here… not again. But what IS going to follow is a list of 25 Christmas classics in the order and days that you should watch them to have the merriest of Christmases.

   Now for the good boys and girls coming back for a second year, you may see some returning favorites but there’s plenty of curve balls keeping it fresh for year two SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADIEU get your fireplace screensavers streaming and your Christmas latte spiced cuz VictorMoranLive is programming the next 25 days of your life.


The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

We start your 25 day journey with a movie SO good that it’s not only one of the best muppet movies but it’s also kind of the best telling of Dickens’ classic tale using Gonzo and Rizzo The Rat as bickering narrators in a brilliant framing device, a KILLER opening tune with a couple more in the chamber and not to mention Michael Caine having what seems to be the greatest time of his life acting his ASS off in scenes across a bunch of FUCKING PUPPETS! What are you even still doing here, go watch The Muppet Christmas Carol or I can’t help you.

 


Santa Claus Is Comin’ To Town (1970)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

Looks like last year’s opening got bumped to day 2 but that doesn’t mean this classic stop-go animation Santa Claus origin story is inferior by any means. Look is it bat shit crazy as far as mythology goes, sure. Is there a weird pedophile vibe in one of the songs (you’ll know it when you see/hear it) but damn it’s full of heart and there really is nothing like watching the jittery movements in the animation to get you feeling like a child on christmas break, mainlining candy canes and tree shape sugar cookies from your neighbor’s house.

 


It’s A Wonderful Life (1946)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

Yes bumped down one day as well is the mother of all required Christmas watching. What can i say about It’s a Wonderful Life that hasn’t been said before. It’s poetic, it’s sappy and it was actually a gigantic fucking BOMB when it came out. No shit, It’s a Wonderful Life was a box office stinker but through the years and it’s constant Christmas airtime this movie caught a second wind and is now seen as a Christmas classic that also happens to be about a guy that wants to kill himself and it’s actually really good.You try achieving ANY of that, let alone all at once.

 


The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

Well here it is. The movie that I got the most shit for NOT including in last years programing. Let’s just do it. It’s Tim Burton’s Nightmare Before Christmas! That stop-go animated movie that you actually enjoyed but was milked for EVERY cent it was worth by Hot Topic and the Disney corporation to the point that you just got sick of it. Also Tim Burton didn’t actually direct it but his name was on it for some reason BUT the animation is gorgeous and the soundtrack is something special. Leave it to Danny Elfman to find a way to make Christmas sound creepy. I still gotta recommend it.

 


Die Hard (1988)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

Now I heard what happened at Comic Con and I know what Bruce Willis said. But I also know what’s in my heart and in my heart I know that Die Hard is fucking Christmas movie. So sit back and watch John McClane save Christmas from professor Snape, a poster boy for the Aryan race, a dime store Urkle and Huey Lewis’ stunt double the only way he knows how… WITH BULLETS! Seriously if this doesn’t scream Christmas to you, you’re just not living your best life.

 


Look Who’s Talking Now (1993)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

So remember when John Travolta and Kirstie Alley thought it would be a great idea to come back for a THIRD Look Who’s Talking movie? Remember it was a Christmas movie? Yes come witness the conclusion of the Look Who’s Talking Trilogy where Mikey & Julie are old enough to ACTUALLY talk and yet the movie still exists. Watch as studio executives clunkily shoehorn Christmas into a dying franchise. “But VictorMoranLive, who IS talking now?” Why it’s the family’s TWO new dogs voiced by Danny DeVito and Diane Keaton. Sure it’s like a desperate attempt to stay relevant as it slowly dies… but it’s also a Christmas movie. Enjoy.

 


Ernest Saves Christmas (1988)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

Day 7 is the perfect time for the kind of movie you can show a child that would make them say, “You actually watched this growing up?” and no movie can get that level of judgment like the one and only Ernest Saves Christmas. Nothing says Christmas like a sequel to a movie based on a character from a commercial. OH and it’s Christmas. Imagine if Flow from the Progressive commercials suddenly had a SECOND movie with nearly no budget coming out where she saved christmas and for some reason plays multiple characters. It’s so bad you’ll wonder what the hell they were thinking the whole way through and you’ll laugh the sweetest laughs of all… the laughs of Christmas schmaltz.

 


Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

Well, you’re 8 days into the Christmas season which means that you’re about ready to watch a man dressed up as Santa Claus straight up MURDERING people. “Did you say murdering people?” You’re goddamn right I said murdering people because in this classic of the heyday of the slasher era gives you all the visions of blood, guts, excessive violence and nudity that every wholesome child has dancing in their heads. I know it seems strong but after 8 days of holiday shopping it’s the perfect flick to help you blow off some steam. You’ll thank me later.

 


Home Alone (1990)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

Back for a second year on the list, it’s Home Alone and why? Cuz it’s Home Alone, ok? Cuz Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern being brutally injured by the child equivalent of Rambo. Cuz John Heard and Catherine O’Hara are in this movie for some reason. Cuz John Candy as Gus Polinski, the Polka King of the Midwest, is possibly one of the most earnestly funny characters ever in cinema and he’s in two fucking scenes of the movie. Why am I still trying to convince you to watch Home Alone?!? Just GO watch Home Alone.

 


Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

Also back for seconds is Rudolph. That story we know and love, done in the stop-go animation of Rankin/Bass. It’s crazy to think that this 1964 TV special is only 47 minutes long and has somehow managed to stay in the pantheon of Christmas regulars for multiple generations and it keeps going. Maybe it’s the animation, maybe it’s just the time of year but the Christmas season just isn’t complete until I see this genetically mutated reindeer guide Santa’s slay. Just sentimental I guess.

 


S01E10 – Mr. Hankey The Christmas Poo (1997)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

Starting off the next round of 10 is that South Park classic that introduced the world to Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo. Full of great songs and the relatable story of a boy that just wants to understand the holidays. Honestly there are few things that can bring a family together like this special. Everyone can laugh at it. I mean, it’s a singing turd with a Christmas hat on. It’s damn near universal that this is just funny… It’s Christmas.

 


Rise of The Guardians (2012)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

Popping it’s 25 day cherry at day 12 is a movie so looney in it’s internal lore that it could only come from the mind of Guillermo Del Toro. Watch as Jack Frost gets an origin story so fucking epic that it’s not even fair that this is a kids movie. Marvel at the “childhood lies” branch of the Avengers attempts to recruit him by showing off the expansive worlds of The Sandman, Tooth Fairy, an australian Easter Bunny for some reason and Alec Baldwin as a Russian Santa with ‘Naughty’ and ‘Nice’ tattooed on his forearm, I’m not making any of this shit up, you HAVE to watch this movie.

 


All I Want For Christmas (1991)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

Back again, it’s The Christmas Parent Trap? Yeah… yeah it is. But hey, Leslie Nielsen as SANTA, a couple of adorable kids, horrible 90’s fashion and Kevin Nealon playing a Baxter in a Rom-Com disguising as a Christmas movie? So get your hairspray and Kmart jeans ready for the gift of love cuz this crappy Christmas classic is proving to be a favorite amongst any who remember seeing it. Now join the club and watch it! You’ll thank me next year.

 


Santa Claus The Movie (1985)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

This movie may NEVER come off this programming schedule and rightfully so. This pre-CGI epic AND I MEAN EPIC, is loaded to the brim with off the wall mythology and lore that by the way, I’ve never seen before OR AFTER this movie. Mr. and Mrs. Claus freezing to death in the snow, magical elder Elves that grant immortality, it’s got it all. Worst part about this movie is that no one knows about it and when you watch it, it looks good. All the effects work is well done, the sets are huge, money was clearly spent in the making of this movie.So I say do yourself a favor and watch this hidden gem. If only to see John Lithgow sell magic candy to kids that make them fly.

 


How The Grinch Stole Christmas (1966)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

Back again on day 15 is this Dr. Seuss classic that has now sprung TWO feature film adaptations that have yet to stand the test of time like this one. So accept no substitutes and watch Cindy Lou and the rest of the citizens of Whoville get their beloved Christmas stolen by the Grinch. Sure he gets to save the day at the end but there is something enjoyable about watching all the inventive ways he finds to steal the gifts. Magnets on the stockings is a favorite of mine. Go watch it and have some hot cocoa while you’re at it.

 


A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

So you’re 16 days into the Christmas season, you’ve been shopping, you’ve been gift wrapping and you find yourself feeling a little empty about the whole thing. Well do I have a Christmas movie for you! It’s a Charlie Brown Christmas! Watch Charlie Brown, a bald boy in an existential state of ennui that just doesn’t seem to understand Christmas. Prepare to feel as you watch this depressed child’s cries for help go ignored by friends, family and even his own dog as they continue to express how they all find him tedious and annoying. It may not be the Christmas movie we want but it for damn sure is the one we can all relate to.

 


A Very Murray Christmas (2015)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

Back with a bullet on day 17 is that possibly new Christmas standard full of music, celebrity cameos, BILL FUCKING MURRAY and beautiful shots of people staring into the middle distance in a contemplative manor. For Christ sakes Sofia Coppola directed this fucking thing, look, I don’t need to know how this bizarre Netflix Christmas special came to be, I just need to enjoy it. I suggest you do the same and as always, look out for “Santa Claus Wants Some Loving” featuring George Clooney. It’s a personal favorite and further proof of its own weirdness.

 


The Night Before (2015)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

Alright, I have to admit that I was actually late to the party on this movie. I didn’t actually see it till a year ago and it surprised the shit out of me. Not only is it full of drugs and cursing and drinking and dick jokes but it kinda has a heart to it and is one of the best uses of Michael Shannon in a comedy since Groundhog Day. It was everything I thought it was gonna be but in a GOOD way. Oddly enough all the reasons why I thought I wanted to skip this movie ended up being the stuff that made me love it. So send the kids to bed early and watch this rated R Christmas story.

 


Santa Claus Conquers The Martians (1964)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

Sure you watched Seth Rogen do drugs in The Night Before but on day 19 your best bet is to chow down some edibles and hit that vape cuz you’re blasting off into space with this sci-fi Christmas Schlock fest that’s plot involves a Martian elder called Chochum The Ancient One telling his people that they must kidnap Santa Claus to save their children that no longer have a childhood due to Mars’ technological advances in child care. Did you just read that sentence? That’s actually how insane this movie is and that insanity just feels like my kind of Christmas.

 


Jingle All The Way (1996)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

Hey, remember when Arnold Schwarzenegger was a bankable family comedy leading man and Sinbad was still riding off that Different World good will? Remember when you didn’t hate Jake Lloyd and it wasn’t problematic to have a scene where a large man punched a little person causing that little person to fly back in the air 10 ft? Then watch as a father searches for a Turbo-Man action figure on Christmas eve for his son. Laugh as hijinks ensues and Arnold befriends Sinbad but first they kinda fight and stuff and Phil Hartman is great in it. WATCH IT!

 


Gremlins (1984)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

Alright, time for my favorite Christmas movie of ALL TIME. Look, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Christmas is not Christmas for me until I see a Gremlin come out of tree, attack a woman and inevitably get liquefied in a FUCKING BLENDER. If that isn’t what Christmas means for YOU then I don’t know what to tell you. Actually, I do know what to tell you and that is that I feel SORRY for you. The pain that you must have in your heart this time of year… it must be unbearable. Now put on your big kid pants and go watch Gremlins.

 


Scrooged (1988)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

I know what you guys are thinking, “Didn’t we start this whole thing with a retelling of A Christmas Carol?”.Yes, we did, See this is what is commonly known as double dipping. I don’t know what to tell you, this movie is just so great. Maybe next year it won’t be on the programming lineup but this year do yourself the favor of watching Bill Murray at the height of his powers, playing the 80’s yuppie scumbag version of Scrooge cuz it looks great, the effects are still fun and it’s FUNNY. This close to the big day you’re gonna need a laugh. So have one on Bill.

 


National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

This late in the season must have you stressed out with family and Chevy Chase can relate. (Side Note: the phrase Chevy Chase can relate has never been used before) Be it family, neighbors, the elderly OR animals, Clark Griswold does his best to remain a sane human being in the midst of holiday chaos and stress about a certain Christmas bonus he’s been coveting. Plus that moment when Julia Louis Dreyfus asks “Todd” why the carpet is wet and he goes, “I don’t know Margo.” makes me laugh EVERY fucking time. I can’t help it.

 


The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

Ok, we’ve been here before, it’s Christmas Eve, you’ve been getting high in spurts through the day and you just wanna watch something that’s gonna, I don’t know, BLOW YOUR MIND! Well look no further than The Star Wars Holiday Special. Watch as Chewbacca’s family go about an average day speaking Shyriiwook to each other with no subtitles for TWENTY MINUTES before getting to a human speaking english. Marvel at Jefferson Starship, Boba Fett’s first appearance and elderly Wookie porn. Cringe at alien cooking shows, Carrie Fisher looking higher than a giraffe’s ass and a cantina barkeep musical number that’ll make you long for the 20 minute subtitleless Wookispeak. It’s amazing. Watch it NOW.

 


A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift Of All (2008)

[TRAILER] – [WHERE TO FIND IT]

Now, I know that this was the Christmas day movie last year and if I’m being honest, it’s probably gonna be it next year too because in MY house it has just become tradition to watch A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift of All. Willie Nelson taking his weed back from the baby Jesus, Toby Keith fights a war on Christmas and John Legend is in DESPERATE need of nutmeg. Not to mention Elvis Costello, Feist, John Stewart, a murderous bear, and George Wendt as Santa Claus himself. So do yourself a favor and give yourself the greatest gift of all and that’s in the title so you know it true.

 

 


 

    Well that’s it. 25 days of Christmas programming. So what did you think? Do you like last year’s schedule better? Have you seen last year’s? Click right here to get it and if you have any suggestions for next year or just like what we’re doing and wanna say, ‘hey’ you can find me on all social media @VictorMoranLive so feel free to follow or subscribe. Look forward to hearing from you about all these movies. Enjoy!

HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!

 

#TheEndOfTheMovie: Analytics

#TheEndOfTheMovie: Analytics

Ok let’s see, what to write that will get the attention of people and get shares and likes and drive traffic to my site? I could talk about being a father. Nah, that doesn’t get as much traction as one would like. I’d have to change father to parent. Fuck I wish I was a woman. Slap the word mother on shit and suddenly everyone gives a fuck what you have to say but that’s not an option unless I was Trans and if I was trans, OH BOY. Could you imagine the amount of traffic? A father turned mother, wait Orange Is The New Black did that shit YEARS ago. It’s probably old now besides I’m not Trans so that would be a major poser thing to do. Ok, so what can I use to drive in the audience? How can I exploit myself to improve my analytics? Ok, we’re brown. High yellow but brown enough to be chucked in the back of a truck in Mississippi. That’s not enough though. My parents are Cuban so in the eyes of most that would make me Cuban though I’ve spent my life being told I’m not Cuban enough by Cubans while simultaneously being told by Americans that I’m too Cuban to be American. So we can’t really use the LatinX thing. Oddly enough the people that have been most compassionate to my “#struggle” is African-Americans and I’m pretty sure it’s cuz they know that at a KKK cross burning we’d be kindle together quick as fuuuuuuuuuuuck and there is nothing that brings people together like knowing you’d both be lynched by the same people. #Respect. But back to the matter at hand, what can I #exploit about myself that is marketable? Let’s see, I already said I’m brown. I’m heterosexual, which let’s face it is NO help these days. Being a straight male is like buying a one way ticket to who gives a fuck what you have to say town.

This is kind of fucked up but it’s a true story so fuck it, I’ll tell it. So when I was in pre-production for the last movie I was trying to make, I met up with this guy who was helping the Coral Gables Art Cinema find local film projects, both short and feature length, for them to give like grants to or whatever. Anyway, the guy read the script and we sat down and had a meeting with him and he kept giving us all these dodgy answers as to why he thought the board he worked for that made the final decisions wouldn’t go for our movie. He kept being very vague and dancing around the subject until he finally said, “Look, honestly? If you were a gay man or a woman they would be all over this but you’re just a straight Cuban man IN MIAMI where there are LOADS of Cubans and you don’t even lean into being Cuban in the script.” Crazy, right? Not, “the script wasn’t solid” or “your production plans look iffy.” Forget that the production would have had multiple races in front AND behind the camera. None of that mattered and so that brings us back to here. What to exploit. Hrmm. Well, there’s the fat thing but that doesn’t help because you can only be a fat woman on the internet. You know cuz it’s sexualized. No one is fantasizing about a fat man but SOMEONE is masturbating to a picture of a fat woman RIGHT now. No, the only time anyone pays attention to a fat man is if he’s dancing, falling or chronicling every step on the “journey” to being a not fat guy and that’s just gross. ALL OF THIS is gross actually.

Look, maybe it’s my age talking (which is also a fully exploitable thing: See Dabbing Granny) but I always believed that all that mattered was the quality of your work because, shouldn’t it be? Why do I have to know “what’s your race”, “who you fuck, how you fuck, where you piss, who you praise”, “how you vote”,”what you watch”, “when you eat and how you live” just so I can enjoy your work? Just do good work and none of that other shit matters. You rise above. But that’s what I BELIEVE. The reality is what matters now is having a niche and oddly enough my straight, high yellow, fat, atheist, Hispanic ass is not enough niche to move the needle. In all fairness to the way things work, it doesn’t help that I refuse to lean into any of these things, cuz, ew. The good news is that when I wither away into obscurity, a death I very much I look forward to, I will wither away with the pride of knowing that I never exploited myself for the sake of commerce.

OH WAIT, mental illness! I’m mentally ill, that’s a niche, right? #MentalIllness. Guys, I’ve tried to commit suicide SO MANY times, you have no idea. Seriously, majority of my classes were in portables. I fantasize about killing everyone in line at the market JUST because. Do mentally ill people buy things? I mean, yeah, I buy things and I’m HORRIBLY bipolar. I FOUND MY NICHE GUYS! FUCK ALL THAT PRIDE SHIT I WAS TALKING BEFORE! I CAN FINALLY EXPLOIT MYSELF NOW! WE’RE GONNA BE RICH!!!

 

written by Victor Moran

edited by Danielle Ruiz

Well, it’s that time of year again!

Well, it’s that time of year again!

     Now I’m not really a Christmas guy. I’m not religious and I’m not all together festive but there are movies and Christmas specials that I traditionally always watch this time of year, along with some occasional new editions and random flights of nostalgia that have accumulated over time and that got me thinking. Why not share my holiday programming with all of you.

     So what follows is a list of what I feel are 25 Christmas classics in the order and days that you should watch them to have the merriest of Christmases. Some of these may seem odd to you but do yourself a favor and take your hand of the wheel cuz VictorMoranLive is programming your Christmas. God help us… everyone.


 Santa Claus Is Comin’ To Town (1970)

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We start off our 25 days of programming with this classic stop-go animation origin story of Kris Kringle who grows up to be the man known as Santa Claus. For double the fun, watch this with a child and half way through explain the painstaking process of making something like this to watch their little minds explode as they watch the rest of it in complete and total awe.

 


 It’s A Wonderful Life (1946)

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Yes, nothing says Christmas like watching Jimmy Stewart contemplate killing himself ONLY to be stopped by an angel in training named Clarence who spends the rest of the movie showing him how much worse life would be if he had never been born. Now in real life you’d probably see a happier version of your parents and a strew of mentally healthier exes BUT in the movie does a really good job of selling the sap and in the holiday season, the sap is welcomed. Also look out for a charming scene between Donna Reed and Stewart that I think still plays today.

 


 Batman Returns (1992)

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Deformed penguin babies, politics, sexy cat themed BDSM, a plot to kill all the first born in the city and fucking Batman.  Now if that doesn’t feel like the perfect Christmas movie then I feel sorry for you. You hear me? I feel SORRY for you. There’s fucking penguins with rocket launchers strapped to their god damn backs! You know what, I’m done selling this to you, either your picking up what I’m throwing down or you’re an idiot. Oh, also, you learn a fun fact about mistletoe that’s easy to remember… because it rhymes. I MEAN COME ON! 

 


 Eyes Wide Shut (1999)

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This heart warming story about a couple that have lost their way and much like It’s A Wonderful Life leads them down a surreal path that inevitably makes them realize the love and strength of their relationship. It’s beautifully shot, scored and ends with one of the most perfect closing lines in the history of cinema. Also its a Kubrick film so you know it’s better than whatever piece of shit Tyler Perry Christmas movie your dumb bitch aunt wants to watch.

 


 Die Hard (1988)

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Look, we all know the story of John McClane and how he saved Christmas FROM TERRORISTS and yet we all have that one friend that insists on saying it isn’t a Christmas movie and I’m here to say fuck that guy. Fuck them up the ass with Hans Gruber’s dick. Clearly this so called “friend” of yours is complete and utter twat and you shouldn’t even allow yourself to be associated with a douche-bag of such proportions. You’re too good for that asshole. Now let’s watch a 1980’s coke-head get his fucking head blown off. Ahhh, Christmas.

 


 Trading Places (1983)

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Who can argue with a theme as wonderfully festive as wagering against human life? Nobody, that’s who. This movie has everything you want from a Christmas movie. Hookers, wall street, a drunken Santa Claus, horribly outdated 80’s slang AND Jamie Lee Curtis’ boobs. I don’t think there is much more I can say to reiterate the fact that this is classic holiday viewing.

 


 The Ref (1994)

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Alright, 7 days in and we hit some controversy. Now I know we all hate Kevin Spacey now and I in no way condone his shit behavior but god damn this is one of my annuals. For years now I’ve been watching Judy Davis as the ultimate bored house wife just fucking KILL IT in this movie. So get passed the bullshit and enjoy this Christmas hostage situation. At the very least you can take pleasure in the fact that Dennis Leary ties up Kevin Spacey and treats him like shit for the majority of the movie, though its possible he’s kinda into that shit. Moving on!

 


 Home Alone (1990)

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Ok, it’s Home Alone. Do I really have to talk you into watching Home Alone? What kind of piece of shit is gonna argue that home alone shouldn’t be watched during Christmas? Hell I’m an atheist that doesn’t even celebrate the holiday and even I want AND DO watch Home Alone this time of year. It just ins’t Christmas until I watch Joe Pecsi and Daniel Stern get outsmarted by an unsupervised child using nothing but household items and his wits. I guess I’m just old fashioned that way. Not to mention John Candy’s couple of scenes just make me happy.

 


 Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964)

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Who doesn’t know this classic tale of a deformed reindeer that is mocked and tormented by everyone around him only to eventually be accepted after Santa realizes, “Hey, I could use a circus freak like you as a headlight.” Sure it’s twisted and has no place in the holiday season but the animation is fantastic and  character design is cuter than a unicorn fart. Give it a chance. You know you want to.

 


 S01E10 – Mr. Hankey The Christmas Poo (1997)

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Where would Christmas be without those adorable boys from South Park Colorado? Nowhere that’s where. Only the Genius minds of Trey Parker and Matt Stone could make a sentient piece of shit a mainstay of the holiday and so it has been since this episode aired back in  1997. The story is heartfelt, the songs are catchy and there’s no way you wont be saying “Howdy Ho!’ for days after watching it.

 


 Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005)

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A murder mystery, a fast talking dame and a detective named Gay Perry. Throw in a little RDJ stammering and you got yourself a Christmas movie so nice they named the damn thing TWICE! Seriously, this is possibly one of the most quotable movies on this list and if you can’t appreciate a holiday Hollywood noir story then what are you doing with your fucking life. I can’t help you. I just cant.

 


 Grumpy Old Men (1993)

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Now I don’t know about you but my Christmas season isn’t over until I see old people trying to get laid. Call me a hopeless romantic, I don’t care, it’s just how my heart feels. Not to mention Anne Margret looks WAY to good for her age. I don’t know what baby Nazi blood she was drinking but she can get it. But from who? WATCH THE MOVIE TO FIND OUT!

 


 All I Want For Christmas (1991)

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Look, I know what you’re gonna say. “Isn’t this movie kind of just The Parent Trap but without twins and during Christmas?” Uh, yeah. But are you really gonna say no to movie that teaches you diner lingo such as “Marrying the ketchup” and has Leslie Nielsen as SANTA?!? I didn’t think so. Now shut your mouth and strap yourself in cuz your are in for some HORRIBLE 90’s fashion and a substantial acting role by Kevin Nealon. You’re welcome.

 


 Santa Claus The Movie (1985)

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If you haven’t seen Santa Claus the movie… well, I wouldn’t be surprised. Not many people are aware of this Dudley Moore vehicle where he plays an elf that’s trying his hardest to be notices by Santa only to be taken advantage of and tricked into putting ole saint Nick out of business by non other than John FUCKING Lithgow as a slimy 80’s yuppie driven by his greed for the all mighty dollar. Guys, I can’t stress enough how much you NEED to watch this movie. Trust me. You’ll thank me after.

 


 How The Grinch Stole Christmas (1966)

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On day 15 we downshift to this holiday standard for no other reason than the sweet sound of Burl Ives and let’s face it by this day you are ready to punch the next person that wishes you a merry Christmas in the face. So to calm your inner curmudgeon down watch Cindy Lou and the rest of the citizens of Whoville make the Grinch’s heart grow three sizes in the ONLY good version of this Dr. Seuss fairy tale.

 


 A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965)

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Naturally, once you get over the annoyance and the anger you may find yourself a little depressed and asking yourself, “What’s Christmas all about?” Lucky for you there is a little bald boy that NOBODY likes that finds himself thinking the exact same thing. What can I say, I’m a sucker for this special. I watch it every year but mainly for the sad piano score and dancing tips. Can’t nobody break it down like a limited animated crowd of Peanuts characters.

 


 A Very Murray Christmas (2015)

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After 2 days of old standards we switch over to a NEW standard. Filled with guest stars and phenomenal musical numbers such as “Santa Claus Wants Some Loving” Bill Murray does not disappoint in his Netflix Christmas special. It came out two years ago and it become a fine addition to my annual viewing list. If you haven’t watched this yet, you are in for a treat and if you HAVE watched it then you’re just excited to watch it again. WE LOVE YOU BILL!

 


 Home Alone 2: Lost In New York (1992)

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What’s this? Did Home Alone 2 actually make the program? You’re damn straight it did and for SEVERAL reasons. 1. Pesci and Stern came back , 2. Tim Curry as an added bonus and 3. this movie has the greatest title in the history of cinema and history. Think about it, everything you need to know about the movie is in the title? “Oh, they made a second Home Alone? I wonder what it could be about. OH, apparently this time around he is lost in New York.” Perfect fucking title! John Hughes should be given a postmortem award for it. I’m SO not joking right now.

 


 Die Hard 2: Die Harder (1990)

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Before you even say it, YES I’m aware that Die Hard 2 is basically Die Hard in an airport and I don’t care. It’s fun, Holly and the douche bag reporter are back and John McClane ejects himself out of an EXPLODING AIRPLANE. If that doesn’t get you jacked to the tits with the Christmas spirit then NOTHING will and I hate to be the one to tell you this but you’re dead inside. All your innards are just black goo. It’s kind of gross. Nothing I’m saying right now has ANYTHING to do with the movie… but it does.

 


 The Long Kiss Goodnight (1996)

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So did you ever watch the Bourne Identity movies and think to yourself, “Man, this would be cooler if it were a Christmas movie and Jason Bourne were a woman with Samuel L. Jackson as her sidekick.” ME TOO! Luckily there’s The Long Kiss Goodnight so we get to live that reality. It’s got clever dialogue and a bad ass protagonist MOWING motherfuckers down for the only thing she wants for Christmas… her daughter. Don’t  sleep on this movie cuz i promise you’ll regret it.

 


 Gremlins (1984)

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Alright, this is my favorite Christmas movie of ALL TIME. Seriously, I LOVE this movie. Christmas is not Christmas for me until I see a Gremlin come out of tree, attack a woman and inevitably get liquefied in a FUCKING BLENDER and THAT’S Christmas. If you’re one of these people that try to to say that this isn’t Christmas movie please DO NOT @ me on ANYTHING cuz you’re stupid and I don’t have time for you. I’m busy watching Gremlins and you’d be happier person if you were watching it too. Just saying.

 


 Scrooged (1988)

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You know how you make an INSTANT Christmas classic? You get a little Charles Dickens, you mix with a lot of Bill Murray, sprinkle in a little Bobcat Goldthwait with some AWESOME practical effects and BAM… you got Scrooged. I really shouldn’t have to say more than that sentence to you but I get the feeling you need more. Fine. What if I say Richard Donner directed it. Are you sold yet? Have you purchased the film already? Yeah? Now starts watching it.

 


 National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989)

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There is NOTHING that reminds you how horrible the holidays can be like the Griswold family Christmas. Family, neighbors, the elderly AND animals. It’s basically watching a perfect shit storm for an hour and 37 minutes. It almost makes YOUR family not seem so crazy and that’s really all any of us want for Christmas. Also, we have a young Julia Louis-Dreyfus, more than a couple of heartfelt moments and Randy Quaid BACK as Cousin Eddie spouting out lines like, “The shitter’s full!” God damn I love this movie.

 


 The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)

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It’s Christmas Eve, you’ve had a few drinks and a couple pulls off your friend’s pen and you are PRIMED for the unmitigated fiasco that IS the Star Wars Holiday Special. There are few words that can describe it and in fact I think the best way to understand what you’re about to see is to know what George Lucas once said about it, which was, “If I had the time and a sledgehammer, I would personally track down every copy of The Star Wars Holiday Special and smash it.” So now that you have an idea for what you’re in for lets head down to Kashyyyk and wait for Chewbacca.

 


 A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift Of All (2008)

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CONGRATULATIONS! That’s right, it’s Christmas day and you’ve made it through the good, the bad, the great, the old and NOW it’s time to sit back, relax and enjoy your FINAL bit of programming… A Colbert Christmas. Willy Nelson, John Legend, Elvis Costello, Toby Keith, Feist, John Stewart, a murderous bear, and George Wendt as Santa Claus himself, THIS my friends is TRULY the greatest gift of all.

 

 


 

     So that’s it. 25 days of Christmas programming. This is my gift to you and I hope you fuckers appreciate it. Remember that I too will be watching these movies and more than likely live-tweeting as I do, so feel free to follow me @VictorMoranLive and check on any given day to see what my thoughts were. 

HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!

 

#TheEndOfTheMovie: The C word

#TheEndOfTheMovie: The C word

We live in truly amazing times. Every day I am in complete and total awe at the evolution of the human race. We have made fantastic social and technologic strides as a species and I welcome our further advancements. I do not long for simpler times. I keep my headphones on when I Uber, I prefer my phone conversation through text, and know to differentiate the frequent activity of my social media presences under a banner user name. I get the point of branding. I say this so you understand that I am by no means one of these first generation millennials that feels the need to separate themselves from that dreaded classification by openly pontificating on the failing state of society visive the internet because of a some ridiculous nostalgic memory of how cool Gen X’ers seemed to us as kids. I tell you this so you know that my gripe (and don’t worry, I’m getting to it) is coming from objective place. The grievance I’m going to speak of is the use of the C word.

Content. Now I know that to you that word just slides out of your mouth like cum dribbling out of a first time blow job giver that doesn’t know that it’s rude to not swallow. To me the mere idea of the word makes me feel as gross as the second half of that last sentence made YOU feel when you read it. Seriously, it makes my skin crawl, but then again I’m the guy that audibly gagged in La La Land when a character said the words “They say I have a knack for world building”. Don’t believe me? Tweet @MyXXfly because she was next to me in the theater and couldn’t help but laugh at my involuntary display of disgust. Look, I’m not saying all of you should have the same visceral reaction to the word Content but you should at least care.

The problem with Content is that there’s no differentiating when it comes to it. It’s this umbrella label for any and EVERYTHING now. Movies and music? That’s Content. Social media posts? That’s Content too. A detailed article by a reputable news organization about a tragic world changing event…… somehow also Content. See, Content is part of the corporate lexicon. A language spoken by business men AND WOMEN whose sole purpose is to quantify objects, people, places, and things into easily predictable summations of monetary gains and that’s fine if it’s your job. Hell, someone has to make sure the lights stay on and the people get paid but now WE’RE all saying it. Listen, when you’re the head of company your brain is preconditioned to see things in dollar and cents I’ll give you a pass but you’re not. You’re an internet information junkie looking to binge watch, listen to, and read all the flashing pretty colors coming off one of your MANY screens like Neo in The Matrix and you NEED to understand that there is difference between all of it. If EVERYTHING is Content then everything is automatically given the same numerical number in the silly little value charts in your mind and NOTHING could be further from the truth. A movie is more important than a vlog. A Facebook post has WAY less value than a news article. A Buzzfeed quiz is… well, anything Buzzfeed does is essentially useless. Now I know that you’ve all been accustomed to think it’s all the same thing so I’ve worked up this nifty little pie chart to help you gauge the pecking order on the totem pole of importance as it were.

Lumping us all together by content is diminishing ALL our value. Someone went to school for six years to be journalist and now he’s on the same level as a blogger. Another guy spent all his life learning the intricacies of music and he’s lumped in by a guy on YouTube with a ukulele that only does covers of Duran Duran songs, it’s fucked in the head! But you know what’s even more fucked? This normalization of the word Content is bleeding into the people ACTUALLY MAKING it. Shit, if you thought I was being hard on you poor bastards just wait till I draw my attention to this piss poor excuse of journalists and artists, AND YES I SAID ARTISTS, that’s what you are. You’re artists, not CREATIVES which is another C word that’s pissing me off while we’re at it. Have we become so complacent with the social standing of the arts and journalism that we’re adopting corporate descriptors to sell something that at its core is an expression of thought and emotion? To describe OURSELVES?!? Are we so broken that we can’t muster up the nerve to call it art? And it’s not like we’re just saying it publicly to shill our work because I have been in rooms filled with nothing but people involved with the arts and they’re saying it amongst THEMSELVES. You hear that thumping? It’s the sound of Fellini and Hunter S. Thompson rolling in their graves and if I had my way I’d let their reanimated zombie bodies out to gnaw on your skulls till the creative bits are all gone because you’re embarrassing. Shame. SHAAAAAME!

I wish I could say sorry for being so aggressive but I’m not; I’m really not. When I was growing up being a journalist was some noble shit. Being an artist was the most punk rock thing you could decide to do. We were rebels and outliers, gypsies and thieves. We were a motley crew of off-kilter counterculture lunatics saying fuck you to the establishment and now we’re just willingly handing over the keys to the nut house to the guards. We’re surrendering our way of life for the sake of views and likes. That’s just sad. And before you call me hypocrite, I’m aware you’re reading this on a site where I advertise and sell my shit, the irony isn’t lost on me but you can click on every link and look through every page and I promise you that you will NEVER read or hear me call anything I make “Content”. I’ll call it a movie, a song, a vlog, an essay, a show… I call it ART because Content is a word used by cowards and con artists and maybe that’s the REAL problem here.

Look, you don’t have to agree with me and if you made it through this little rant of mine you deserve a fucking medal but you should at least LISTEN to what I’m saying because one day you’re gonna be at a party and you’ll hear on person ask another what they do for a living and instead hearing musician, writer, or filmmaker, you’re gonna hear that second person take a breath and say, “Content provider” and THAT is the day you’ll realize that art has died.

But hey, at the end of the day that’s just MY view on the matter and that’s probably not worth much anyone but what I DO know holds some serious value is that I made it through an entire rant called The C Word without ever saying Cunt.

….Well almost.

 

written by Victor Moran

edited by Danielle Ruiz