Well, it’s that time of year again and I still have a website up and running and NO ONE CAN STOP ME, so you know what that means! Yes, it’s time to let a lovable atheist in search of weed and the true meaning of Christmas program your holiday viewing. What, it worked last year didn’t it? DIDN’T IT?!?
So for all the new kids, I’ll explain what’s gonna happen next. I don’t do this because I doubt your intelligence but because the internet is a big and scary place and I don’t want you worrying that you’ll be suddenly flooded by a hoard of dicks on your screen. That is NOT what’s gonna happen here… not again. But what IS going to follow is a list of 25 Christmas classics in the order and days that you should watch them to have the merriest of Christmases.
Now for the good boys and girls coming back for a second year, you may see some returning favorites but there’s plenty of curve balls keeping it fresh for year two SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADIEU get your fireplace screensavers streaming and your Christmas latte spiced cuz VictorMoranLive is programming the next 25 days of your life.
The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)
We start your 25 day journey with a movie SO good that it’s not only one of the best muppet movies but it’s also kind of the best telling of Dickens’ classic tale using Gonzo and Rizzo The Rat as bickering narrators in a brilliant framing device, a KILLER opening tune with a couple more in the chamber and not to mention Michael Caine having what seems to be the greatest time of his life acting his ASS off in scenes across a bunch of FUCKING PUPPETS! What are you even still doing here, go watch The Muppet Christmas Carol or I can’t help you.
Santa Claus Is Comin’ To Town (1970)
Looks like last year’s opening got bumped to day 2 but that doesn’t mean this classic stop-go animation Santa Claus origin story is inferior by any means. Look is it bat shit crazy as far as mythology goes, sure. Is there a weird pedophile vibe in one of the songs (you’ll know it when you see/hear it) but damn it’s full of heart and there really is nothing like watching the jittery movements in the animation to get you feeling like a child on christmas break, mainlining candy canes and tree shape sugar cookies from your neighbor’s house.
It’s A Wonderful Life (1946)
Yes bumped down one day as well is the mother of all required Christmas watching. What can i say about It’s a Wonderful Life that hasn’t been said before. It’s poetic, it’s sappy and it was actually a gigantic fucking BOMB when it came out. No shit, It’s a Wonderful Life was a box office stinker but through the years and it’s constant Christmas airtime this movie caught a second wind and is now seen as a Christmas classic that also happens to be about a guy that wants to kill himself and it’s actually really good.You try achieving ANY of that, let alone all at once.
The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)
Well here it is. The movie that I got the most shit for NOT including in last years programing. Let’s just do it. It’s Tim Burton’s Nightmare Before Christmas! That stop-go animated movie that you actually enjoyed but was milked for EVERY cent it was worth by Hot Topic and the Disney corporation to the point that you just got sick of it. Also Tim Burton didn’t actually direct it but his name was on it for some reason BUT the animation is gorgeous and the soundtrack is something special. Leave it to Danny Elfman to find a way to make Christmas sound creepy. I still gotta recommend it.
Die Hard (1988)
Now I heard what happened at Comic Con and I know what Bruce Willis said. But I also know what’s in my heart and in my heart I know that Die Hard is fucking Christmas movie. So sit back and watch John McClane save Christmas from professor Snape, a poster boy for the Aryan race, a dime store Urkle and Huey Lewis’ stunt double the only way he knows how… WITH BULLETS! Seriously if this doesn’t scream Christmas to you, you’re just not living your best life.
Look Who’s Talking Now (1993)
So remember when John Travolta and Kirstie Alley thought it would be a great idea to come back for a THIRD Look Who’s Talking movie? Remember it was a Christmas movie? Yes come witness the conclusion of the Look Who’s Talking Trilogy where Mikey & Julie are old enough to ACTUALLY talk and yet the movie still exists. Watch as studio executives clunkily shoehorn Christmas into a dying franchise. “But VictorMoranLive, who IS talking now?” Why it’s the family’s TWO new dogs voiced by Danny DeVito and Diane Keaton. Sure it’s like a desperate attempt to stay relevant as it slowly dies… but it’s also a Christmas movie. Enjoy.
Ernest Saves Christmas (1988)
Day 7 is the perfect time for the kind of movie you can show a child that would make them say, “You actually watched this growing up?” and no movie can get that level of judgment like the one and only Ernest Saves Christmas. Nothing says Christmas like a sequel to a movie based on a character from a commercial. OH and it’s Christmas. Imagine if Flow from the Progressive commercials suddenly had a SECOND movie with nearly no budget coming out where she saved christmas and for some reason plays multiple characters. It’s so bad you’ll wonder what the hell they were thinking the whole way through and you’ll laugh the sweetest laughs of all… the laughs of Christmas schmaltz.
Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)
Well, you’re 8 days into the Christmas season which means that you’re about ready to watch a man dressed up as Santa Claus straight up MURDERING people. “Did you say murdering people?” You’re goddamn right I said murdering people because in this classic of the heyday of the slasher era gives you all the visions of blood, guts, excessive violence and nudity that every wholesome child has dancing in their heads. I know it seems strong but after 8 days of holiday shopping it’s the perfect flick to help you blow off some steam. You’ll thank me later.
Home Alone (1990)
Back for a second year on the list, it’s Home Alone and why? Cuz it’s Home Alone, ok? Cuz Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern being brutally injured by the child equivalent of Rambo. Cuz John Heard and Catherine O’Hara are in this movie for some reason. Cuz John Candy as Gus Polinski, the Polka King of the Midwest, is possibly one of the most earnestly funny characters ever in cinema and he’s in two fucking scenes of the movie. Why am I still trying to convince you to watch Home Alone?!? Just GO watch Home Alone.
Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964)
Also back for seconds is Rudolph. That story we know and love, done in the stop-go animation of Rankin/Bass. It’s crazy to think that this 1964 TV special is only 47 minutes long and has somehow managed to stay in the pantheon of Christmas regulars for multiple generations and it keeps going. Maybe it’s the animation, maybe it’s just the time of year but the Christmas season just isn’t complete until I see this genetically mutated reindeer guide Santa’s slay. Just sentimental I guess.
S01E10 – Mr. Hankey The Christmas Poo (1997)
Starting off the next round of 10 is that South Park classic that introduced the world to Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo. Full of great songs and the relatable story of a boy that just wants to understand the holidays. Honestly there are few things that can bring a family together like this special. Everyone can laugh at it. I mean, it’s a singing turd with a Christmas hat on. It’s damn near universal that this is just funny… It’s Christmas.
Rise of The Guardians (2012)
Popping it’s 25 day cherry at day 12 is a movie so looney in it’s internal lore that it could only come from the mind of Guillermo Del Toro. Watch as Jack Frost gets an origin story so fucking epic that it’s not even fair that this is a kids movie. Marvel at the “childhood lies” branch of the Avengers attempts to recruit him by showing off the expansive worlds of The Sandman, Tooth Fairy, an australian Easter Bunny for some reason and Alec Baldwin as a Russian Santa with ‘Naughty’ and ‘Nice’ tattooed on his forearm, I’m not making any of this shit up, you HAVE to watch this movie.
All I Want For Christmas (1991)
Back again, it’s The Christmas Parent Trap? Yeah… yeah it is. But hey, Leslie Nielsen as SANTA, a couple of adorable kids, horrible 90’s fashion and Kevin Nealon playing a Baxter in a Rom-Com disguising as a Christmas movie? So get your hairspray and Kmart jeans ready for the gift of love cuz this crappy Christmas classic is proving to be a favorite amongst any who remember seeing it. Now join the club and watch it! You’ll thank me next year.
Santa Claus The Movie (1985)
This movie may NEVER come off this programming schedule and rightfully so. This pre-CGI epic AND I MEAN EPIC, is loaded to the brim with off the wall mythology and lore that by the way, I’ve never seen before OR AFTER this movie. Mr. and Mrs. Claus freezing to death in the snow, magical elder Elves that grant immortality, it’s got it all. Worst part about this movie is that no one knows about it and when you watch it, it looks good. All the effects work is well done, the sets are huge, money was clearly spent in the making of this movie.So I say do yourself a favor and watch this hidden gem. If only to see John Lithgow sell magic candy to kids that make them fly.
How The Grinch Stole Christmas (1966)
Back again on day 15 is this Dr. Seuss classic that has now sprung TWO feature film adaptations that have yet to stand the test of time like this one. So accept no substitutes and watch Cindy Lou and the rest of the citizens of Whoville get their beloved Christmas stolen by the Grinch. Sure he gets to save the day at the end but there is something enjoyable about watching all the inventive ways he finds to steal the gifts. Magnets on the stockings is a favorite of mine. Go watch it and have some hot cocoa while you’re at it.
A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965)
So you’re 16 days into the Christmas season, you’ve been shopping, you’ve been gift wrapping and you find yourself feeling a little empty about the whole thing. Well do I have a Christmas movie for you! It’s a Charlie Brown Christmas! Watch Charlie Brown, a bald boy in an existential state of ennui that just doesn’t seem to understand Christmas. Prepare to feel as you watch this depressed child’s cries for help go ignored by friends, family and even his own dog as they continue to express how they all find him tedious and annoying. It may not be the Christmas movie we want but it for damn sure is the one we can all relate to.
A Very Murray Christmas (2015)
Back with a bullet on day 17 is that possibly new Christmas standard full of music, celebrity cameos, BILL FUCKING MURRAY and beautiful shots of people staring into the middle distance in a contemplative manor. For Christ sakes Sofia Coppola directed this fucking thing, look, I don’t need to know how this bizarre Netflix Christmas special came to be, I just need to enjoy it. I suggest you do the same and as always, look out for “Santa Claus Wants Some Loving” featuring George Clooney. It’s a personal favorite and further proof of its own weirdness.
The Night Before (2015)
Alright, I have to admit that I was actually late to the party on this movie. I didn’t actually see it till a year ago and it surprised the shit out of me. Not only is it full of drugs and cursing and drinking and dick jokes but it kinda has a heart to it and is one of the best uses of Michael Shannon in a comedy since Groundhog Day. It was everything I thought it was gonna be but in a GOOD way. Oddly enough all the reasons why I thought I wanted to skip this movie ended up being the stuff that made me love it. So send the kids to bed early and watch this rated R Christmas story.
Santa Claus Conquers The Martians (1964)
Sure you watched Seth Rogen do drugs in The Night Before but on day 19 your best bet is to chow down some edibles and hit that vape cuz you’re blasting off into space with this sci-fi Christmas Schlock fest that’s plot involves a Martian elder called Chochum The Ancient One telling his people that they must kidnap Santa Claus to save their children that no longer have a childhood due to Mars’ technological advances in child care. Did you just read that sentence? That’s actually how insane this movie is and that insanity just feels like my kind of Christmas.
Jingle All The Way (1996)
Hey, remember when Arnold Schwarzenegger was a bankable family comedy leading man and Sinbad was still riding off that Different World good will? Remember when you didn’t hate Jake Lloyd and it wasn’t problematic to have a scene where a large man punched a little person causing that little person to fly back in the air 10 ft? Then watch as a father searches for a Turbo-Man action figure on Christmas eve for his son. Laugh as hijinks ensues and Arnold befriends Sinbad but first they kinda fight and stuff and Phil Hartman is great in it. WATCH IT!
Alright, time for my favorite Christmas movie of ALL TIME. Look, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Christmas is not Christmas for me until I see a Gremlin come out of tree, attack a woman and inevitably get liquefied in a FUCKING BLENDER. If that isn’t what Christmas means for YOU then I don’t know what to tell you. Actually, I do know what to tell you and that is that I feel SORRY for you. The pain that you must have in your heart this time of year… it must be unbearable. Now put on your big kid pants and go watch Gremlins.
I know what you guys are thinking, “Didn’t we start this whole thing with a retelling of A Christmas Carol?”.Yes, we did, See this is what is commonly known as double dipping. I don’t know what to tell you, this movie is just so great. Maybe next year it won’t be on the programming lineup but this year do yourself the favor of watching Bill Murray at the height of his powers, playing the 80’s yuppie scumbag version of Scrooge cuz it looks great, the effects are still fun and it’s FUNNY. This close to the big day you’re gonna need a laugh. So have one on Bill.
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989)
This late in the season must have you stressed out with family and Chevy Chase can relate. (Side Note: the phrase Chevy Chase can relate has never been used before) Be it family, neighbors, the elderly OR animals, Clark Griswold does his best to remain a sane human being in the midst of holiday chaos and stress about a certain Christmas bonus he’s been coveting. Plus that moment when Julia Louis Dreyfus asks “Todd” why the carpet is wet and he goes, “I don’t know Margo.” makes me laugh EVERY fucking time. I can’t help it.
The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)
Ok, we’ve been here before, it’s Christmas Eve, you’ve been getting high in spurts through the day and you just wanna watch something that’s gonna, I don’t know, BLOW YOUR MIND! Well look no further than The Star Wars Holiday Special. Watch as Chewbacca’s family go about an average day speaking Shyriiwook to each other with no subtitles for TWENTY MINUTES before getting to a human speaking english. Marvel at Jefferson Starship, Boba Fett’s first appearance and elderly Wookie porn. Cringe at alien cooking shows, Carrie Fisher looking higher than a giraffe’s ass and a cantina barkeep musical number that’ll make you long for the 20 minute subtitleless Wookispeak. It’s amazing. Watch it NOW.
A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift Of All (2008)
Now, I know that this was the Christmas day movie last year and if I’m being honest, it’s probably gonna be it next year too because in MY house it has just become tradition to watch A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift of All. Willie Nelson taking his weed back from the baby Jesus, Toby Keith fights a war on Christmas and John Legend is in DESPERATE need of nutmeg. Not to mention Elvis Costello, Feist, John Stewart, a murderous bear, and George Wendt as Santa Claus himself. So do yourself a favor and give yourself the greatest gift of all and that’s in the title so you know it true.
Well that’s it. 25 days of Christmas programming. So what did you think? Do you like last year’s schedule better? Have you seen last year’s? Click right here to get it and if you have any suggestions for next year or just like what we’re doing and wanna say, ‘hey’ you can find me on all social media @VictorMoranLive so feel free to follow or subscribe. Look forward to hearing from you about all these movies. Enjoy!
HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!